It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a post. I haven’t stopped writing, I just haven’t written anything I’ve wanted to share. Lots of rambling thoughts and emotions, stuff that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I just needed to get it down. Anyway, this is a very difficult time of year. Between the anniversary of my father’s death, the anniversary of diagnosis-day, the anniversary of Ariella’s bone marrow transplant and the harrowing months until May, it’s exhausting enough that I just get out of bed each day, much less work and take care of what I need to. I’m tired. I’m fatigued to my bones and once I’ve taken care of the necessities I have nothing left to give.
I still don’t know what to do with myself. I crave a family, a child to take care of, and we are trying to make that happen but I’m not so optimistic. I don’t let myself get excited about it. If it happens, it happens (I am not seeking advice for adoption or IVF or any advice at all, we have explored many options and know what they are) but at this point I just don’t think it will. And though it’s been almost 2 years I still can’t imagine living the rest of my life without a child of our own. There are so many small, seemingly unimportant moments that I am missing greatly and I still don’t know how I am going to survive. You’d think by now I would have an idea, but that’s not how it works. Even living the unfathomable it’s impossible to believe this is my life. Where do I go from here?
David and I are currently taking classes to become licensed foster parents. We have not definitively decided that we will go that route but it is something we are strongly considering. It’s a long process so we decided to go ahead and start it knowing that we aren’t committing to anything at this stage. There is so much to consider but the thought of having a child in our home again is one of the few things that can bring me joy.
So here we are. Not a lot to say. Kind of in a holding pattern. I don’t feel peace or happiness and I’m still just trying to get through the days. I’m seeing friends’ children and Ariella’s friends growing up around me and it hurts so much. The feelings are impossible to describe. I feel like a spectator in life, watching with envy all that I can’t have. Each day the same as the one before. And all I want to do is sleep through it all.