On this frigid but beautiful sunny day, my marathon training took me to the BWI Airport bike path. As I was getting myself together to run 16 miles I was able to watch the sunrise and planes land. I don’t thank the weather app was right about the actual feel because it wasn’t windy. Though the temp was lower it felt better than last week’s long run, which was quite windy.
I have only been to this bike path once, with David and Ariella. We took her there to ride bikes. At the time we weren’t sure she could manage the more than 10-mile loop but she was a tough and fearless 8-year-old girl and did so with no problems. Though it has been almost 6 years since biking the path, I was running towards memories as I made my way around the loop. I remembered the horse we said hi too and then sitting on the bench nearby for a little break. Could one of the horses I saw today be the same one?
I remembered the long, steep hill she rode up without stopping, with not only David and me cheering her on but others on the path. Remembering Ariella’s strength going up that hill is how I got up that hill today. But of course remembering Ariella’s strength always is what gets me through tough times.
I remembered the nervousness I felt that she would crash into another person, or would fall when crossing an intersection. I remembered the wooden bridges and the overpass like it was yesterday. I remembered the relief that I felt when we completed the loop, making it unscathed. Had you asked me to describe the path before running today I would have vaguely mentioned a couple hills and horses. But while out there experiencing it once again it was as familiar to me as my own neighborhood. And it was both painful and beautiful. Because it felt like she was there with me, cheering me on like we had once cheered her on.
There’s not much to do but think when on long runs. My mind drifts but today Ariella was with me the entire way.
I’ve been wanting to write about my vacation since we got home but just hadn’t gotten to it. Not sure why. I had plenty of time considering my winter break was extended but for some reason when I have nothing to do it’s even harder to be productive. As much as I did not want the extended break because those days will be added to the end of the school year, it was nice to be home with nothing to do. But now, with this snow day I am officially bored and figured it was finally time to write about our trip.
As always, it feels good to get away. It doesn’t lessen the pain of missing Ariella but going to a place that is not fraught with memories helps to soften the edges of grief. We started our vacation in Delray Beach, FL where we got to spend time with my aunt and David’s grandmother. We don’t see them enough and it was good to be with family. We didn’t have to put on any kind of act or brave face, we just had to enjoy each others’ company. I made sure to get my run in, we paid a visit to the beach, and had some tasty meals (Chinese food on Christmas Eve; can’t go wrong there). But mostly we were just together.
On Christmas day we headed to Ft. Lauderdale to spend the evening with a friend and her girlfriend. I have mentioned before about how grief changes relationships in many ways. Some relationships don’t survive but others grow and you find people there for you that you wouldn’t necessarily expect. This friend we visited wasn’t a close friend. We all went to school together but our relationship didn’t really go beyond that. But she has reached out sincerely many times since Ariella died and we have learned that she will always be someone we can rely on for support. We had a nice evening on her roof just shooting the shit and enjoying sushi and again just hanging out with no expectations. The thing about making or growing friendships after a traumatic event is that they don’t know who you were before so they can’t see how you’ve changed. No pressure to be the carefree people we were before.
After our visit with our friends it was time to head down to the keys. We spent a night in Key Largo where I got David on a paddleboard and we had a brief visit from a manatee. The place we stayed was a neat little resort with our own little bungalow right on the beach. We had dinner on the water, I of course got my run in the next morning, and our entire stay was peaceful.
Finally it was time to head to our final destination, Key West. The drive was easy and while we had a great trip until then, it was nice to know we were going to stay put for a few days. There was a stark difference between Key Largo and Key West, with Key West bustling with much more activity, especially in the downtown area. We did all the touristy things; the southernmost point of course (David made me wait in line for a picture, I would have been happy taking a picture at the southernmost bar) and next to that was a menorah so we decided to take a picture as the southernmost Jews as well, the butterfly conservatory where I had a friend land on my head, sign from Ariella? It did land where a unicorn horn would be…, Hemingway’s house with the many 6-toed cats, Truman’s Little White House, and of course meandering along Duval St.
We were certainly not idle in Key West. I continued to get in my runs which were so nice to do along the water with flat terrain. It was hot, even early in the morning, but it was great to not have to think about what to wear or layer up and I could just enjoy the lovely surroundings. We went kayaking through the mangroves one day where we saw manatees, nurse sharks, and lots of jellyfish, and spent hours biking around the island another. We saw a beautiful sunset with three birds (another sign from Ariella) and took a ghost tour where we learned about the darker side of the island’s history.
Though we kept busy we also were able to relax by the pool and just enjoy the calm. That’s not to say there was no sadness this trip. Though this was not a place we had been before it was easy to imagine Ariella there with us. We would have spent hours in Hemingway’s House to see all the cats. She would have stopped to pet every dog that passed by. She would have been on the paddleboard and kayak and ridden her bike alongside us (who am I kidding, she would have left me in the dust on the bike-that kid was fearless). She would have been in awe at the butterfly conservatory and the ghost tour would have been her idea. Watching other families have amazing vacations feels like a sucker punch right in the gut. This vacation was proof that joy can exist with sadness and pain but those moments of happiness are fleeting and the pain often overrides.
Our trip home was a clusterfuck from the moment we arrived at the Key West airport. The security line was the length of the airport, the departure board wasn’t updated regularly, and I don’t think a single flight took off on time. The waiting area was standing room only and barely even that. We were cutting it close for our connection but would have made it had they been able to get the jetway to the plane and open the door in a timely manner (took at least 15 minutes after we arrived at the gate). We sprinted to our gate with ~10 minutes until departure (reinforcing that sprinting and distance running are two very different beasts and I am not a sprinter) to find the plane still there but the gate closed. We were both furious because we were on the ground while the flight was still boarding and there were 5 of us trying to make that flight. They should have held the plane. Anyway, they didn’t and fortunately we were able to get on a flight a couple hours later. We made some friends that had also missed the connection and had some food and drinks in the bar. Ultimately I think missing our flight may have been another sign from Ariella. While in the airport in North Carolina I texted a friend that we met at our bereaved parents retreats that we have gotten close to. They live in North Carolina but I knew they had been away as well. I was curious if they were still on vacation and it turns out they had just landed when I texted! Not only that they were deboarding at a gate right by ours. So we got to have a lovely, albeit brief reunion in the airport. Most of the vacation it was nice to be just us, not the bereaved parents. But there were times I wanted to shout “MY CHILD IS DEAD!” It is just so surreal to do “normal” things with others having no idea of the turmoil inside. So seeing our friends, this beautiful family in the airport, gave me that brief moment of being with someone who just knows and who feels the same, without having to talk about it. So maybe I needed that and maybe that’s why we missed our connection (sorry to the others who missed that flight!). We left with plans for a weekend together in the near future and then finally made our way home.
This was a much needed getaway and did both of us a world of good. The pain doesn’t go away just because our location changes but being out of normal routine in a place that doesn’t have memories tied to it is certainly a refreshing change.
