8:00 PM, double check my training plan, what’s on the schedule for tomorrow? Check the weather for the morning and refer to multiple apps and graphics to determine what to wear for my pre-dawn run. Lay out my clothes, not so simple for winter running. Time for the overanalyzing to begin. Need multiple options in case the weather forecast changes between now and morning (capris versus full length leggings, lined or unlined tights, how many shirts? Fleece-lined? What thickness? Do I need a shirt underneath? If I do this shirt I can go with just a vest but that shirt I need a jacket. Which socks? Calf-length wool or regular ankle length? Decision overload!
Wake-up bright and early. Well not so bright but definitely early. Check the weather again along with the apps to make sure I’ve got the right gear. Finally decide on my layers and get dressed. Head downstairs and finish getting myself ready with yes, even more decisions to make. Hat or ear-warmer? Lined or unlined? Buff for my neck or is it not needed today? Vest or jacket? Which jacket? Mittens without question. Get those extra items on, add my Garmin, headphones, reflective vest and headlamp and am finally ready to head out the door. Winter running takes a lot more preparation than any other time of year but it is worth it.
Step out the door and take in the crisp, cold air. I can see my breath. I’m feeling chilled but I know it won’t be long before I warm up. Make a couple final decisions (where do I want to run today and what do I want to listen to; music, Peloton run, podcast, or nothing (depends on my mood and type of run I’m doing)), press start on my watch, and I’m off!
I have been struggling to find meaning since Ariella died. What does anything we do, matter? What is the point of any of it? My reason for living is gone and I haven’t found new reason. I’m not happy and even if I have joyful moments they are tarnished; bits of happiness existing with exponentially more pain. I think the most I can settle for, at least for now, is some sort of peace and calm. And that’s what running gives me. Running forces me to focus on the here and now and block out the static buzzing in my brain. My long, easy runs give me time to take in the scenery, appreciate nature, and be appreciative of what my mind and body can do. I spend much of those runs thinking about Ariella, sometimes bringing tears to my eyes and sometimes a smile. I often shut off whatever I’m listening to (if anything) and just listen to the rhythm of my breath and the sound of my feet hitting the ground, the wind rustling through the trees, a dog barking in the distance. Not quite worried about pace, these runs are great for reflection or to just let my mind go blank.
What exactly is meaning? What makes a life meaningful? Is it having a purpose? Working towards a goal? In that sense, running gives me meaning. Currently my goal is to run another marathon. More specific my goal is to run a marathon with a PR and Boston qualifying time. Even when not training for a specific race, each run has its own goal. Whether it be to achieve a certain distance or pace, or just to get outside, get some miles in, get a bit of exercise, there is some purpose to every run. If I am doing these things just for me, is that really giving my life purpose? It’s giving me purpose, something to achieve, but what about greater meaning? Greater purpose? What about what I am living for. Running is not a reason for living. I still haven’t figured out my identity since Ariella died. Running gives me something to do and something to achieve, and maybe that’s enough meaning for now.
My marathon training began in earnest this past Saturday with a 10-mile run. The group training hasn’t started yet so I was solo. I felt unencumbered and at ease. I think even with the pain and discomfort often felt with running, especially during hard workouts, running is the only time I can quiet my anxious brain and feel some sense of calm. Running is not something I have to do, it’s something I get to do. And when I’m hurting and feel like I can’t go one step further I remind myself that this is a choice. Being able to run is a gift. Ariella did not have a choice in her fight. So for her I run. What better purpose is there?
And a good runner you are! Lots of luck on your next race! You go girl!
Thanks!
Thanks for sharing and I get it in so many ways. Made me think of so many different ways I think of Campbell every day, it’s like the complexity of listening to the weather forecast of your own heart. All the choices you make when you get dressed to run in feelings. The feelings of guilt for different treatment choices and in the next moment the smile and joy at the utter hilarity of how goofy she was, then the knowledge of how powerful and wise, the things that must have gone through her head, on and on throughout the day, end every time I lay down at night so I can’t go to bed without listening to my audible just for the fear that the negative, sad, angry thoughts will cycle around in bad dreams when I sleep. But when I wake feel like I can almost see her, feel her in my awareness of her. I pick up Campbell’s cat and talk to it like I’m holding a telephone to her. Ask the cat what’s Campbell’s doing, how she is, like I know he knows. I know this a ramble but just knowing that you get it and being able to write it down to you help keeps me sane 🌻💛 I think of you running too, the choices we can make that they cannot 💔 the feeling of needing to step up even when you feel so weighted down with sadness because they were able to, with such impact and change the world. The push to get through every day because we can and they laid out the road for us ✨ even if it’s one hour or one day at a time 💕 see you soon! 😻
Ramble here anytime :). I talk to Ariella all the time. Sometimes I catch myself doing it out loud in public. People must think I’ve lost it…
This is so inspiring. Your posts are a gift. This makes me want to run and makes me see that life after loss can and does hold so much purpose. Wow. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and your kind words :). Now go for a run!
So proud of you!! Running helped me so much when my brother passed away suddenly. I ran a marathon for my brother after his death in 2017 (the last marathon I ran). I totally get the feeling of quieting the anxiety from the run and the need for a goal. I have been thinking of training for another marathon since following your journey. Keep writing- you have a gift and I will be cheering you on!! And you may have inspired me to try another 26.2 (I swore I would not do this again- particularly from about mile 17 on).
Thank you. You should join me at the Salisbury Running event. In addition to the marathon they have a half and a 5K!