I’m sure everyone is familiar with Chaos Theory. That one very small change early on can cause a much larger difference in a later state. I often wonder how this plays into Ariella’s illness and death. If we had caught the cancer sooner, when she first complained of leg pain, would this have changed her outcome at all? Would she have responded better to the chemo? Would she still have relapsed or would have starting treatment earlier changed that? Her scans that showed the relapse were done on a Friday. If we didn’t have the scans until the following week would that have changed anything? Treatment would have started a bit later getting meaning her bone marrow transplant would have been a bit later. Would that have changed the ultimate outcome? Maybe she wouldn’t have been exposed to the flu. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten so many infections. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
We of course will never know if the outcome would be different. But these “what ifs” torture me. They frequently pervade my thoughts. I replay all the various scenarios over and over. If only we had done this, or if this one thing didn’t happen then maybe the rest of it wouldn’t have. It seemed like we were in the midst of this perfect storm where Ariella was getting bombarded with every possible infection and complication. What if just one variable had changed? What if just one thing had been done differently? Would we still be here without our daughter?
People are going to say to stop doing this to myself. It was nothing we did or didn’t do and tormenting myself about it won’t change anything. Logically I get that. Running these thoughts through my brain over and over does not serve any purpose. And yet I cannot stop. Because the thing is, Ariella dying never once crossed our minds when we were considering bone marrow transplant. I fully believe that one small change initially would have altered the outcome drastically. Whether it was the timing of transplant, administering of different meds sooner, a different doctor on duty earlier on in the ICU stay, etc. And this only contributes to my anguish. Because her death, at least following transplant, did not have to happen. And I will never come to terms with it.
If only we could turn back time. I’m actually not sure where I would turn it back to. Maybe to when she very first started complaining of leg pain. If we caught the cancer sooner maybe she wouldn’t have had any of those micrometastatic cells that didn’t respond to chemo. I’m not sure I would turn it back to when she relapsed. I don’t know that we would do anything different except maybe start alternative treatments sooner. I would turn it back to BMT and not do it. But once again, who knows what effects those changes would have on the greater outcome? I am sure that if we could go back and not do the transplant Ariella would still be with us. I can’t say for how long but could have been a lifetime.
Not only am I facing a lifetime without my daughter, without the person that completed me, but I am also facing a lifetime of questioning every decision that was made. If only, if only, if only.