This weekend was both good for my soul and extremely hard. David had college friends in town, a married couple, and they are very good people. They drove in (with others) for Ariella’s funeral without hesitation (which is more than I can say for some people who without a doubt should have been there) and since the wife was about an hour away all week for a conference, her husband drove in Friday so we could spend the weekend together. It was good being with people who did not know Ariella. A lot of my friends became my friends because our kids were connected. That’s hard. A constant reminder for what Ariella would be doing if she were still here. This was different. We aren’t in each others’ worlds because of kids. They do not even have children so conversation was very different.
We had a grand old time. We showed them Baltimore (the good and the bad), took them to an Orioles game, and introduced them to Maryland crabs and snowballs. A great distraction and I really was distracted for a while. But all of a sudden it was just too much. I just couldn’t be “on” anymore. I wasn’t pretending when we were together. I was “okay”. As okay as I can be right now. I definitely wasn’t my old self but I also mostly wasn’t on the verge of tears either. And that’s the thing. I need to have time to be sad. I need to have time to be with my feelings. I need time to just be. Distraction is good and it’s bad. When the thoughts and the feelings are hidden for too long they build up and I feel like I am going to explode. Every emotion and feeling will just come spewing out. And I reached that point. I was done. Kaput. Could not take anymore. Just wanted to curl up in bed and hide from the world.
I am spent. Engaging with the world is exhausting. Interacting with others is exhausting. My body physically hurts all over. There is no end to this nightmare I am living. I appreciate the moments of distraction. But I pay the price for them later on. I miss who I used to be and I know I will never be that person again. How do you continue living when you don’t like who you are or the life you have?
Dont feel guilty because you are enjoying some time with friends!
It’s ok to have some good times in your life!
❤️👍🙏🏻
I don’t feel guilty. It’s just that being too busy does not allow for me to feel what I need to feel. It pushes it away for a time but it has to come out somehow. And if I don’t have ample time or opportunity to just be with myself, to let myself have those feelings it’s much worse later on. It takes it’s toll on my mentally and physically.