Today was an okay day. I can’t say good day because life at least right now is not good without Ariella in it. But I actually enjoyed myself today, for most of the day, even though I’m sad I can’t tell her about it.
Today good friends of ours held a golf tournament for us. Initially it was to be a fundraiser for our family to help with expenses with it looking like Ariella would be in the hospital for a while. Since she passed away we will be using the majority of the funds for Ari’s Bears. But anyway, I actually laughed quite a bit and smiled a lot at the tournament. Mostly due to trying to navigate the golf cart with my friend (neither of us golf, we were one of the beverage carts). I may have almost tipped us over twice. I’m sure Ariella was laughing. I know we were. But I did enjoy it. The joy came along with the sadness. The sadness didn’t go away, but I was able to carry both together. And it looked like we were in danger from storms for a bit, it even thundered around us and rained a bit, but it held off so the tournament was not interrupted. So it was okay.
I needed this day. This week that just passed has been just so hard, harder than after the initial days. I haven’t slept more than a few hours a night for the past 3 nights (and yes I have tried meds) and yesterday I felt very physically ill for most of the day. I wasn’t even sure I was going to make it to the tournament because I was so tired when I woke up this morning, but I’m glad I did.
I wrote this for 2 reasons. One, well because I’m blogging about this journey and thankfully I’m already finding it’s not without some enjoyment. But also because I know the dark days are not gone and I want to be able to look back at this and remember that despite the dark days there are some okay days and it’s knowing that those okay days will come again that will pull me through. And now I have written proof of it.
It’s helpful to find some light in the darkness. I’m glad you found your smile today.