I am so angry. Angry at everything. Angry at Ariella’s doctors for not saving her. Angry at science. Angry at medicine because with all they can do, they couldn’t fix her lungs. I am angry that it was Ariella and not me. From the moment of diagnosis to her last breath I begged and pleaded to let it be me. I am angry that childhood cancer is considered to be rare and only receives 4% of federal research funds for all childhood cancers combined. I am angry at G-d and I’m not sure I even believe in G-d but If there is one I’m extremely angry at him. I understand with G-d that there are still bad people because G-d gave us free will. The world wouldn’t be perfect even with G-d. But I really struggle to imagine that there is a G-d in a world where children die from cancer.
I get angry every time I see a post of a childhood cancer survivor. I’m happy for them, of course I am. But I’m angry that my child isn’t there with them. Ariella should be. Her prognosis at initial diagnosis was good. She had everything going for her with a Ewing’s diagnosis; her age (she was 9), she’s a girl, the cancer was localized, and it was in her leg. All indicators that she should have had a good response to chemo. She should have never relapsed. She should have survived. And yet. And as ugly as it is I’m extremely jealous. Jealous of those families even with kids still in treatment because their children are alive. Jealous of happy, healthy families with no significant worries. Again of course I’m happy for them. I wouldn’t wish this pain and heartache on anybody. But I’m angry that our daughter was taken from us. I’m angry that we lost our roles and identities and our carefree existence. And I’m angry every time I hear of another child dying or being diagnosed with cancer.
Someone close to us was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. I’ve been taking him to his appointments and been a source of comfort throughout this. I’m glad to be able to be there for him but I am so angry that cancer has touched us again already. Thankfully it hasn’t spread and is treatable. But it never ends.
I am angry and irritated with the people that complain about petty problems. Today at the locker room in the gym I listed to a lady rant about how someone parked for a good 5 minutes, dropping the f bomb left and right. I wish my problems were so minor that I can get so worked up about how someone parked. I see it all the time, people love to complain. They can’t see how blessed they are. And that makes me angry. Even though right now I feel the farthest thing from blessed, I was blessed to have the opportunity to be Ariella’s mom. I’m angry that people don’t realize what’s truly important in life.
I am so grateful for the outpouring of support that I am still getting. But I am so angry at those who should have been the first to reach out and the ones that should continue to check on us, that haven’t since Ariella’s funeral. I know I should let them go, not waste my energy on them but it’s hard when you are going through most horrific experience anyone can go through and those you expect to be there for you aren’t.
And finally I’m angry that this is me right now. I don’t like this version of me. I don’t like being angry and jealous and bitter. It’s so much to carry along with the sadness, which is crushing. My whole body feels leaden, weighed down with all of these emotions. Sometimes the emotions are so powerful that they literally bring me to my knees. And it’s sad and scary and overwhelming to imagine the rest of my adult life like this. I still beg everyday for something to take me, to end this pain, and reunite me with Ariella.
You have right to be mad ,Your anger is totally justified and it is as huge as your loss beyond the measure .I recommend you book by Kate Merrick “And still she laughs ” , it might bring some comfort .Kate lost her 8 years old daughter to Willms tumor also one of those most curable with good prognosis. I loved the book .YOu might be not ready to read it yet but try sometime .Sending you love from Isle of Skye .Marzena
Thank you for the book recommendation. I just ordered it.
I can’t understand and don’t want to, but you are entitled to all these feelings and more. I’m angry for you. If anyone judges you, they have no heart or compassion. She shouldn’t be gone, you shouldn’t be without her and it’s these things that test my faith. I wish you love and peace.
Girl!
You go ahead and be angry! I was not Blessed to know Ariella and have never met you, but am angry right along with you. Your anger is doing your Readers some good,
Note to self: Stop whining!
I truly wish you had no reason to be angry or sad, or anything but happy. I don’t know when the moment will come when you will feel joy again, but I pray it is soon.
My prayers for you and for your family continue.
Erica,
I read your blog daily and always walk away challenged, stirred and inspired. Thank you for writing in such an honest and real way. It’s a gift!
Thinking of you!
Lucie
I wish with all my heart I could change things. I love you guys <3
Erica, your anger is SO understandable. The magnitude of the loss you and David have suffered is beyond comprehension. Even having only known Ariella for 2 years, since her death, I’ve found myself irritated as hell at people who bitch about the trivial inconveniences in life, wanting to scream at them, “WTF is wrong with you?! You’re here, your kid is alive! STFU!!” My heart aches for you and David and I’m pissed too. It’s all just so wrong. What God would allow this to happen to children and parents? I’m envious of people who find strength in faith after loss because I’m having a harder and harder time believing. And the ridiculous “4% of research funds” statistic blows my mind. I’m sorry to rant but I hope it helps you, even if only just a little, to know you’re not alone in your anger. It’s all SO completely wrong and unfair. Please, please know that I, and many others, are here any time you need anything at all. Sending love and hugs…
You should be angry and bitter and envious, and I am too. I don’t like it either but I can’t help it right now. I know many of these emotions will be with us forever, sometimes stronger than other times. I will always be angry that Ariella did not get to live her life and do all the things she should be able to do and it manifests in many of the same ways you describe. I am envious of the people who haven’t suffered this kind of loss, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but still I envy them. I get mad every time my brother-in-law says grace and thanks the lord for all our blessings – I don’t feel blessed right now and have trouble listening to it although I know he doesn’t mean any harm. And I too am mad lately when people complain about little stuff although that is human nature and am guilty of it too, although not nearly as much lately.
I am mostly mad that my family is forever changed by this nightmare and there’s nothing any of us can do to “make it better” or make end. It will be with us always and there’s no way to sugarcoat that. We can only take a lesson from Ariella and go forward no matter how hard and painful it is. That’s the one reason I haven’t started smoking again.
It has helped to attend The Compassionate Friends group. They are strictly for loss of a child in the family and it’s somewhat comforting to know all of these feelings are shared by other parents and grandparents, no matter what the age of the lost child – an adult or an infant, although I am sad that we all have to be there. It’s also brings some hope to know people can go on with their lives even though they all still feel anger, sadness, guilt, despair, and yes, laughter and joy and forgiveness. I recommend this type of group whenever you feel ready, maybe just to try.
I love you guys and am always here for you and beyond that I have no words.