Dear Ariella,

The other day I saw a picture that I wanted to show you. It was a bear that had jumped on the trunk of a car. It reminded me of the time we were on our way to clinic and heard the news story of a man jumping on the hood of someone’s car while it was moving. You were in shock at the story and as soon as we got to clinic we looked up the video. I wish I could have shown you this picture. There are very often things I want to share with you. Cute animal pictures. Funny videos. A funny story to tell you. Things I know you would laugh at. I miss your laugh. So infectious. Could always get me started laughing, no matter my mood.

I talk to you every day but I wish I could really talk to you. Not that I have much of anything to really say. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. How can my life look so much like it did before, when it is completely altered? It’s a paradox. What would I tell you if you were here? The same I tell you even though you are not. That I love you more than words can express. That I miss you so much it physically hurts. That I beg everyday to join you. That I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I would tell you how sorry I am that you were sick and miserable and scared and that I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I wish we had done things differently. I wish we could go back. I wish, I wish, I wish. I would tell you about Ari’s Bears. About how much it has already grown. About how it hurts so much to do this without you but that we have to do it, for you. About how unfair it is that you never got to see what you started grow into something so amazing. You never got to see your dream fully come to fruition. But if you were here I wouldn’t have to say any of this.

I am really struggling lately. Who am I kidding? I’ve been struggling since the day you died. But everything seems magnified these days. I’m not sure why. I like to blame it on the holidays but I don’t think that’s it. Yes the holidays suck but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. Each day without you I miss you more and more. I have your face memorized but I worry about one day forgetting, so I stare at pictures even though looking at them feels like a knife through my heart. I do the same with videos because it breaks my heart to think I may one day forget the sound of your voice. The sound of your laugh. Even how you sounded when you were angry, frustrated, or whining. I don’t want to forget anything, and yet it’s inevitable. Images fade, memories grow dim. And I can’t bear that. And each day is closer to that happening. On the other hand, each day is one day closer to being with you once again.

I don’t know why you had to go. I don’t understand why any of this happened and I never will. I’ll never accept it, I’ll never be okay with it. I do know that my life was changed in amazing ways I could not possibly have imagined the day you were born and once again, horrifically, when you died. We were supposed to have a lifetime together. I was supposed to watch you grow up, start a life of your own. I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were supposed to live. I was supposed to be a mom but now I’m a mom with no child. I just… I just don’t know. I just don’t think I can do it. I know you would want me to be happy and live life but I just can’t right now. Loving you and missing you takes everything out of me. It’s just so damn hard and my will to survive is nonexistent. But while I am mainly still just going through the motions, I will do everything I can to ensure that your legacy stays alive, as hard as it is. Your life mattered. You mattered. You still matter. And you always will. I hope that you are dancing up a storm and pranking everyone you meet. I hope that you and Pop-Pop are together and wreaking all sorts of havoc. But mostly I hope that one day we will be together again.

I love you to the moon and back times infinity,

Love,

Mommy

Well, I often write and then schedule my posts to be published later. So I didn’t publish this right away. Not long after I finished this letter to you I learned that Lily died today. I am devastated that sweet Lily died from this horrible disease. The world is most definitely less bright without you and Lily in it. I hope that you were there to welcome her with open arms, and silly string. I’m sorry that friends and kids you know keep dying. Take care of each other and take care of us. Love to you and love to Lily.

Remember how I told you I have been struggling even more lately? Maybe this is why. The continuous bad news. Which happens when you are friends with families with a cancer diagnosis. You know some are going to relapse and some are going to die. And I’m just so tired of kids dying. Each one hurts, even those I haven’t met in person. As you know these people become our family and just as heartbreaking for us when they die. This is life now. Being sad. Missing you. Bracing for bad news. Funerals for children. This is not how it should be. I wish I could take comfort in knowing you are no longer in any discomfort but I can’t. Because I want you here with me. My guess is there are no feelings of sadness where you are but I wonder how it feels for you when friends and other children join you. I hope that it’s all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns with no regrets. Until we meet again.

Love (again),

Mommy