Dear Ariella,

Happy Heavenly Birthday. Yesterday you should have turned 15. It’s hard to believe that I could have a 15 year child. And I do. I have you even though I no longer physically have you. You are with me, and have been for 15 years. You will never leave me and yet you are missing from me. Each year now on your birthday I try to imagine how we would celebrate and what you would want. And each year it gets harder and harder to picture. And that breaks my heart even more. I no longer know what your passions would be, your dreams or goals. I don’t know how you would dress, how you would wear your hair. I don’t know if you would still be dancing or if you would have picked up a new hobby or sport. I used to know almost everything about you and loved it when you surprised me with something new. When I picture you it’s as an 11-year old girl, not as a teenager who would be on the verge of learning to drive, going to dances with friends, dating. Your friends are growing up and I hate that they are leaving you behind. To be clear, they are not forgetting you. They love and miss you and are keeping you alive through Ari’s Bears. But it’s not fair and it will never be fair that you don’t get to experience this life. How much you will miss out on. You were going to take the world by storm and you did, but you had so much left to do. I wish I could know you now, and in 10 years, 20 years, for my entire life. What I do know is that no matter what you would have continued to be an amazing, spunky, generous, kind, loving, goofy person who brought joy to all who knew you. I hope you partied it up for your birthday with your too many young friends that have joined you and of course Pop-Pop and I’m sure you are celebrating his birthday today. Give him a birthday hug from me. I love you to the moon and back infinity times and will miss you every second that I am alive.

Love,
Mommy