Feeling Lighter

I wasn’t planning on posting again so soon but this blog is about more than just the sadness and heartache of surviving child loss. I started this blog as a way to process all the overwhelming and complicated emotions I was experiencing in the immediate aftermath of Ariella’s death. I initially was going to write just for me, but grief, especially complicated grief, can be a very lonely place and I thought it may be beneficial for others to know they are not alone in their sorrow. Grief can bring a person to a very dark place and I wanted to share that the feelings of wanting to die, of feeling like you lost your identity and purpose, feeling like there is no reason to live anymore, were perfectly normal and understandable. But as the title says, ultimately the blog is about living with grief. Showing the world how raw and gritty the grief is surrounding child loss AND about emerging from the darkness and moving forward (not moving on), learning to actually live again and enjoy life.

When I started this blog I felt hopeless. I was shattered and did not think there would be any way to put the pieces back together. There was only darkness surrounding me and I truly thought that darkness would last forever. I could not imagine that there would be a time where readers would eventually read about my hope, optimism, and yes, joy. I have been vocal about my recent struggles and I have also felt it important to share my triumphs. I write about them for me, so when I am back in a dark place I can look back and remember that I came through those tough times and will again. I write about them for my readers and fellow bereaved parents so they can know that it does get better, that they too will find moments of happiness and peace and begin finding purpose again. And I write them for all my friends and family, who worry about me, who regularly check on me, without whom I would not have survived.

All of this is my long-winded way to say that after writing and venting and some nonsense with some friends and of course a run this morning, I am feeling much lighter. I am not under any illusions that it is now going to be smooth sailing because if I have learned anything it’s that grief is a roller coaster (especially with the anniversary approaching), but I feel okay. I can face the world. I don’t want to hide. And I haven’t cried for a full day. Baby steps.