Halloween (Again)

Halloween looks different this year but I know that families and children will find a way to continue to make it festive and fun. With or without trick or treating I know there are plenty of family activities going on for kids to partake in. I know Ariella would have come up with some creative way to enjoy one of her favorite days of the year. Maybe watching scary movies, playing games, and of course planning pranks. But on the other hand, I don’t know this. Last year I could imagine her on Halloween. I knew she was planning on being Harry Potter. She planned that the year prior when she was Hermione. I’m not sure if she would have gone trick or treating, she may have wanted to do something with her friends. But I do know she would have participated in Halloween festivities in one way or another. But this year, I just don’t know. Her last Halloween was two years ago. She would be 13 this year. A lot can change in two years as we learned in the most awful way possible. Would she still like Halloween or would she be too “old” for it? Would she still want to trick or treat or would she rather go to a friend’s party? Would she wear a costume or would she have outgrown costumes this year? And the truth is, I just don’t know. And this just shatters me. Because I don’t know what my daughter would be like at 13, at 16, as an adult. I know she would continue to be sassy, spunky, silly, kind, and generous. But there is just so much I will never get to know about my girl, that I can’t even begin to imagine. Today, when I was thinking about how she would celebrate Halloween during a pandemic, was the first day I think I truly realized that I can no longer know what Ariella would do or say or how she would react to a particular situation. I don’t know what her likes or interests would be. I don’t know if she would still be dancing or if she would have decided to do something else. I don’t know what her favorite book or movie would be and what show she would binge. Even though intellectually I knew this, it really hit me today when I couldn’t imagine her on Halloween. She slips away from me more and more each day. Of course the memories are there and always will be, but the future is gone and I can no longer imagine her in it. Because I don’t know who she would be. For those who think there is a timeline for grief, think about not just the milestones, but all the mundane daily routines your child will experience in their lifetime, and imagine them missing most of them because they died. Imagine not knowing who your child would become, not knowing their desires and wishes at each stage of their life. Imagine being faced with other children, then teens, then adults, reaching those same milestones that your child never got to achieve. I am confronted with this daily and so far, it hasn’t gotten any easier. You never stop missing your child. Never. And you always wonder. And it gets harder and harder.