Here’s to 2026

I have been delinquent with my writing. Well, I am always writing but I have been slacking on my blogging. Writing less frequently generally indicates that I am doing well. And that is true now. But I would be remiss if I only wrote about my sadness, my grief, my dark days. There was a time when that was all I experienced. But gradually I began to feel less sad, more okay, and then even happy. If I don’t share about the positives I would be doing a disservice to myself and others who may see their stories reflected in my words. I want others to know that there is hope. That life can be okay following significant loss, even if it’s not perfect.

When the calendar flips I like to reflect upon the the previous year. Though 2025 got off to a rocky start, it ended up being a very good year. As good a year as it could be considering I never truly will be whole again. In fact, I was mostly happy in 2025, as happy as I could be (whatever that actually means; see my thoughts on happiness here: https://lifeafterchildloss.net/happiness/). The tough days were there still. The predictable ones and the sneaky ones that railroaded me unexpectedly. But this time I didn’t have to go through those days alone. And overall there were many more good days than bad. Of course that doesn’t come without guilt. How can I be okay? How can I enjoy life when Ariella’s was cut so short? How can I be happy when I’ve lost the everything that mattered? I am starting to finally reconcile the guilt but it still lingers. This happiness and contentment doesn’t come without fear either, that I will lose everything again. Sometimes I think it would be easier to not let myself be happy because then I’m not in danger of my world collapsing on me again. But that is no way to live.

2026 started with a sign from Ariella. The song Three Little Birds. “Every little thing, is gonna be alright.” Ariella painted those lyrics when she was in Hopkins. And though hearing the song made me cry (a lot, in the bathroom of a bar), it also ultimately made me smile. This is the first year since Ariella died that I’m truly feeling optimistic and looking forward to what’s to come. February through May can be challenging but so far I feel different this year. I know the significant days and the anticipation leading to those days will be difficult. But I don’t feel the same sense of dread or panic that I have felt every other year at this time. I do ultimately feel like it’s going to be ok. Here’s to 2026.