I miss her. It’s that simple. And yet it isn’t. My emotions are much more complicated, much stronger, all encompassing, and overwhelming. But what it all comes down to is missing Ariella. Missing her smile. Missing her voice. Missing her hugs. Missing reading to her. Missing cooking her dinner. Missing picking her up from school. Missing watching her dance. Missing her beautiful brown eyes. Missing playing with her hair. Missing my NY partner and sushi buddy. Missing buying and wrapping gifts. Missing seeing her face light up when she got just what she wanted. Missing packing her lunches. Missing her silly games. Missing her pranks. Missing everything.
I never thought you could miss something that hasn’t yet happened, but I do. I miss talking to her about boys. I miss teaching her to drive. I miss planning her Bat Mitzvah. I miss watching her graduate from high school. I miss sending her off to college, then graduating. I miss watching her get married and starting a family. Everything we were looking forward to I miss immensely. It is such an intense feeling of yearning that is impossible to describe.
I am just so very sad. Again seems kind of simplistic but that’s what it is. Profound, pervasive, sadness. It’s impossible to take joy, see the beauty, enjoy life, when I’m this sad. It’s a shadow. A dark cloud hanging over me. Making it futile to even hope for a happy life from this point on. I can’t imagine ever being happy again. And if I am it will never be true happiness. There will always be sadness darkening the edges, invading my spirit, putting a damper on any occasion.
I don’t want it. I don’t want a life of sadness. I want to go back to normal. Happy. Carefree. I can never get that back. And that is oppressive. When people see me they probably think that I’m okay. I look okay. I function. I work, I exercise, I see people. I have Ari’s Bears. But I’m dying inside. I’m never okay.
I pray for you every day.
I’m listening and I’m here.
Sending prayers your way.
I know what you’re saying and wish I could offer some hope but I really can’t. I cannot imagine ever losing this all encompassing sadness for all of ours, but especially your and David’s, loss. I miss her so much that it physically hurts ever time I think of her. And I miss our family, the way it was. I love you and want so much for all of us to feel better but it feels so futile right now.