MD Trek Day 4

The sleeplessness continues and this morning I think I actually dozed off while leaning against a wall. I also dozed off multiple other times throughout the day. Not sure why I’m not sleeping but it’s beginning to catch up with me. I also had no appetite this morning which is definitely not at all like me. Other than that I’m feeling good, physically. Mentally and emotionally, I feel battered and bruised. The lack of sleep certainly doesn’t help and though I know after all the torment I ultimately made the right decision, I absolutely hate that I am not on a bike right now with the others. If I could walk those miles, I would. I have been relishing the physicality of this challenge. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. I feel raw and spent and emotionally wrung out but also cleansed, like I’m ridding my mind of the invasive thoughts and demons, even if just temporarily. When I was running up those hills, the harder I ran and the worst I felt physically, the better I felt emotionally. Maybe I need the pain to quiet my mind of everything else and erase the emotional pain. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself completely numb. Maybe I just feel like I need to punish myself. Even after living this so-called life for over 4 years I just don’t know. What I do know is that I have to do whatever I can to survive.

Today’s trek was from Frederick to Sykesville, through Ellicott City and Patapsco State Park, finishing at the hotel in Elkridge. I spent my day with the media crew. I enjoyed my time with them very much but it also wasn’t where I really wanted to be. I guess I haven’t quite come to terms with not fully completing the trek. I’m proud of what I have done and proud of what I will continue to do but still. It’s not what I envisioned. All that to say, I was pretty cantankerous (#word of the day) for a good part of the day. I was tired, I was missing out, and I was still feeling pretty emotional. And I continued to have no appetite. Just wasn’t feeling the vibe.

My mood improved as the day went on and I actually ended up having a blast with the media team. And while I did once again have some sadness with missing out, I enjoyed being able to see and cheer on the cyclists in various locations. And I got to better know the other members of the team that I hadn’t yet spent much time with. I laughed a lot which is always good for the soul.

I’m still not myself though. My appetite continues to be nonexistent which worries me for tomorrow. I’m forcing myself to get down what I can but I know it hasn’t been enough. I don’t feel poorly otherwise but this is affecting my mental state. I have been feeling great so far and I want to begin tomorrow feeling strong and ready.