Posted on by stein28

Signs

Two months. Two months she’s been gone. Two months filled with heartache and despair. Two months of quiet, of emptiness, of earth shattering sadness. I have minutes, even hours where I may feel okay. Especially when at the gym or running. But then. Then the grief wave hits me and knocks me to the core. I feel it physically, in my stomach, in my head, in my bones. Reminds me that this empty, quiet life is forever. Forever is a long time. Forever is too long. I’m two months away from my daughter. But two months closer to death.

I was never one that believed in signs. What others viewed as signs I viewed as coincidences. But now I desperately look for signs that Ariella is present. Rainbows. We had a lot of rainbows after she died including the day after at our house and again at the shiva house. We even had a couple of rainbows in Jamaica and then greeting us when we came back from our trip. Are they signs? Or would they have happened anyway?

When Ariella was in the hospital she painted this picture. I don’t recall if it was before or after bone marrow transplant but it was before the ICU. Ariella picked the quote from the song Three Little Birds. She believed everything would be all right. After she died I got a tattoo with the 3 birds. The other day I was walking our dog and saw three little birds in a line on the ground in front of me. Was that a sign? Or just a coincidence?

Ariella participated in a program at the hospital called Beads of Courage. For every treatment, every procedure, every needle stick, every transfusion, etc. she received a bead. The color and shapes each represent a different procedure. The last bead she got was the butterfly. That’s the bead for gaining angel wings. I got that butterfly tattoo on my foot.

The beads in the jar are from Ariella’s treatment at Sinai, including initial relapse treatment. The ones in the bowl are from her time at Hopkins, February to May.

So back to the butterflies. Butterflies in general are often viewed as signs from a loved one. But there are butterflies all over the place in the summer. How can that be a sign? They would be there whether or not a loved one had died. But five days in a row big butterflies flew around me and landed nearby. Three times I saw a bright blue butterfly and once I saw a yellow butterfly.

So I question once again, coincidence, or signs?

Other possible signs. Ariella always tried to catch 11:11. She often missed it but when she did catch it she always made a wish. Soon after Ariella died I often saw 11:11 without trying. I also saw 1:11 quite a bit. Recently I often look at the clock and see any hour with 11 minutes, like 8:11, 3:11, etc. Does 11 mean something? Do ones? Maybe I just notice it more now. Clouds too. Ariella and I loved seeing shapes in the clouds. But since she died I see shapes constantly that remind me of her; unicorns, a bear, a butterfly, the letter A, three little birds. Does that mean something, or is my mind wanting to see those images and I’m seeing something that isn’t really there? Ariella loved to draw, color, paint, and create things with clay. I do like to think of her using the clouds as her new medium for artistic expression. I can just imagine her drawing with the clouds and molding them to form her shapes. I can also imagine her getting frustrated with it since clouds aren’t stationary! I can just hear her grumbling in frustration that the clouds weren’t staying where she put them.

Finally, our dog. We adopted our dog, Sherman on June 4, close to a month after Ariella died. Sherman spends a lot of time in Ariella’s room by himself. He takes his toys out of the basket and brings them upstairs to her room and leaves them there. If I put them away he immediately takes at least one out and brings it back upstairs into her room. Does he know something we don’t? Does he sense her presence? Or does he just like that space?

I’ve been reading books on near death experiences and I like to believe that they are real. But I’m skeptical. I would love for the signs and the experiences people have had to be real. That means her presence is around and we will be reunited some day. But it’s hard for me to really believe even though I am constantly seeking signs. It just makes it even harder to think 11 years is it for her. That it’s over, done, nothing else. So are the signs I’m seeing real, or imagined because I need them for comfort? Who knows? I would love to hear about signs you have seen after the loss of a loved one. Or if you had a near death experience, I would like to hear about that too.

17 Replies to “Signs”

  1. My father died the beginning of October (a week before his 97th birthday). Although it was expected (and a blessing as he had dementia), I was surprised at how very sad I was. While he was still alive, and somewhat alert, he had asked where all the blue jays had gone because he no longer saw them out in the yard. Just after he died, I was looking out the window to my backyard when suddenly this big, sassy blue jay swooped in — definitely a sign from my father. Ever since, almost every morning, I see at least one blue jay in the backyard. (Now that the sun comes up so early, I don’t always see them, but I do hear them during the day.) Yes, they really are signs.

  2. I saw a butterfly when we were at the beach and immediately thought of Ariella.
    I don’t know if I believe in signs but making those kinds of connections always brings me a little calm.
    Thinking about you guys!

  3. 5 minutes before I read this, I said to Norris, “I’ve been seeing more butterflies this summer, I wonder why”, he said, “you mean moths?” I said, no…actual butterflies. I didn’t even put 2 and 2 together….she’s coming over to play. They have been beautiful too…vibrant colors.

    They say that cardinals are loved ones that have passed. The whole time I was pregnant and in nursing school there was a cardinal that would sit on my deck while I studied…every single day. When I graduated, Cardy stopped coming!

    I have a few more, we can discuss those. They are real…at least I like to believe that they are.

    1. I like to believe they are real too but it’s hard. I feel like I’m just grasping at anything.

  4. When my father was passing away ( I was away ,abroad with no possibility to be there with him ) I put on the telly in the rambling caravan I used to stay then .The God -channel was never working -bad signal but this time it came on and clearly I could watch some documentaries about the death of a Carmelitan nun .One sentence stuck and I dwelled on it whole day (not yet receiving the news about my father passing ) .” I am not dying ,I am entering the fullness of Life ” .I did take it as a sign .It did bring a comfort .Trust signs .And trust your own heart .It knows .

  5. I miss her to the core. I’m fine for awhile and then it hits me that she’s gone over and over again and it’s gut wrenching. I don’t know of any way to feel “better” other than to just go on and do day to day stuff which distracts for awhile but not long enough. I always feel her presence whether it’s me thinking of her or through seeing something she would like.

    I think Sherm does sense her in the room. Ever since Ariella was diagnosed, our cat Sugar, who never wanted anything to do with me, starting sleeping on my chest and since Ariella passed has been even more attached. I think animals can sense feelings and the presence of others.

  6. Thank you for sharing this. Signs. Yes, I believe to my core that our loved ones and G_d sends us signs. In 2001 after my mom passed away (September) I bundled the kids up to go outside. It was a blustery, cold November day. As we walked out the door we were met with the most beautiful melody of music coming from a songbird perched on the tree in front. And I knew that was my mom saying everything was going to be ok. We moved a two years later into my parents home after my dad died and for years there would be two birds that would come, sometimes singing, sometimes pecking on the window in the kitchen.
    Fast forward to February 15, 2018…. transplant day at Hopkins. At 2PM as Meaghan was receiving back her stem cells, the head of school at Stone Ridge texted me a picture of a rainbow that had just appeared over the school fields. She had never seen a rainbow like that at the school. A sign. xoxo

  7. This is an old FB post about something that happened to me 3 years ago after my mom died suddenly, which was three years after my dad died of pancreatic cancer:

    Yesterday was a tough day. We finished cleaning out my parents’ apartment. My husband left ahead of me so I could finish a few things up before closing it up and turning in the keys.

    Right before I left the apartment, I took a couple of minutes to say goodbye to the last home my parents shared, to say goodbye to that last remaining connection I had with them before I moved out permanently.

    I told my parents how much I loved them and missed them. I also asked them to send me signs from time to time to let me know they were still around. I closed the door and headed out, heavy in heart and tears on my face.

    Upon walking to the key drop off, I put my hand in my pocket and found this penny in there. Mind you, this coin had not been in there at all when I put on my sweatshirt, and I had carried absolutely no cash or coins on me at all yesterday. Yet here was this penny that appeared right after I had left the apartment. I decided to take a closer look, and what I saw broke me down:

    The date on the penny is 1968. The year my parents married.

    It was crystal clear to me right then that this penny was literally a penny from heaven, gifted to me by my parents to show me that they were and are indeed still here. ❤️

  8. Hello from Colorado.

    My infant son, Will, died nearly 25 years ago. One day in March a month or so after he’d died, I was visiting the cemetery and sitting by his grave. As I stood to walk off, I said, “Oh Will, I love you and I wish you could come with me.” As I got in the car, a lovely swallowtail butterfly swooped past. I started the car and it followed alongside for a distance, then flew away. This was the month of MARCH in Colorado, probably a good 6 to 8 weeks earlier than the appearance of butterflies in our area.

    At the time, I welcomed it a sign or message from God and today, I feel even more certain.

    Since that day, butterflies have held a very special place in my heart and in my healing journey. I look for them each year, and uncannily, they often show up at the most perfect moments.

    Yesterday, my friend Maura forwarded your blog to me. Just a day before, I was returning to my house after walking my dog and a swallowtail (the first I’d seen this year) fluttered slowly by and landed on our pine tree! He allowed me to get close as I snapped several photos on my cell phone. As I did so, I thanked God. For sending these reminders. For Will’s short life. For healing. For hope.
    And now, I’m thankful for being able to share my story with you.

  9. I firmly believe our loved ones give us signs that they’re near. Sometimes funny, sometimes sweet and other times just peaceful…but I believe Ariella is always near! And I’m sure Sherman senses her, and that’s why he takes his toys to her room. You’re always in my thoughts!!

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