So Very Tired

I don’t post much on Facebook, other than childhood cancer awareness posts. But the other day, I just felt so tired and fed up that I wrote a very long rant, which I accidentally deleted before finishing and posting. I didn’t have it in me to type it all again, which probably was a good thing. Because I am not looking to argue. I prefer to express my views and thoughts and feelings here, where people have to make an effort to read them. Sure it’s just clicking a link if I share it to Facebook, but that in and of itself is a choice, rather than maybe catching a glimpse of what I wrote when scrolling by. Some people use Facebook to share their lives and join groups and communities. Others may use it to spread information and share facts. But it seems so many use the platform to spread lies, rumors, hate, and racism. What I see there on a daily basis disgusts me. My friends list consists of people I actually know in real life, cancer families, and bereaved parents. Most of what I am referring to is not posted by people on my friends list. It’s comments on articles or other posts, or posts and comments in groups I’m in. But I have blocked friends for things they have posted and will continue to do so. Not for things that are a simple difference of opinion, but things that are clearly hateful and racist. It’s not about politics, it’s about human rights and basic decency. Anyway, I did not intend to write about Facebook, so let’s get to the point of my post.

I mentioned that I started my Facebook post because I was tired and fed up. I know many of us are, for various reasons. What prompted me to start that post was just one more comment about how mandating masks violates rights. Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, my rights, my rights, my rights. Requiring a mask in a store is no different than requiring shirts and shoes. You don’t like it, don’t go. Sure there may be some medical reasons why one cannot tolerate a mask, but I see so many, so many people say they can’t wear one and I highly doubt it’s that widespread. They are uncomfortable and hot but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear it for the short amount of time you are in a store or ordering food or whatever. If you truly cannot, this doesn’t apply. I certainly am not going to be the mask police because I don’t know someone’s reason for not wearing one, but I will certainly give you the side eye if you are say, not wearing a mask while walking through the gym even though it is the rules of the gym (you do not have to wear the mask once you begin exercising). If you can walk on a treadmill, you can wear the mask to get there. You know who I never seem to see complain about wearing masks? Children. I have seen children out at the stores, all wearing masks and wearing them correctly. I’m sure they pull them up or down at times, but mostly they seem to be keeping them on. Yet adults are throwing tantrums over this. Every time I put a mask on, every time, I am brought back to the oncology clinic when Ariella would have her port accessed. I had to mask up for that. This is what masks remind me of. Ariella getting jabbed with a needle so her toxic chemotherapy could be delivered. I see the needle and the room. I smell the smells. Wearing a mask physically brings me back there. Seeing masks everywhere I go brings me back to the ICU, when anyone coming into Ariella’s room had to wear a mask. It takes me back to that room, Ariella lying in the bed, connected to machines and the ventilator. I hate masks. They are a trigger for me and completely unavoidable. But I wear them. I wear them for the community. Many say those who are more susceptible should just stay home. But say they do? What about the people that shop for them or care for them? Those people do need to go out in the world and if they are exposed, they bring it to the people they are caring for. Masks work. But I know that I am not going to change anyone’s mind who disagrees, and that is not the point of this, so I will not say anything further, other than this. Even though I think anyone who can wear a mask, should, I do not agree with “mask shaming.”. As I mentioned, there are valid reasons why someone may not be wearing a mask and unless you know their reason, it’s not your place to enforce the rule. Just stay away from that person if they make you uncomfortable. Now if they are being an asshole about it, refusing to wear one just because “I can do what I want, I don’t have to wear a mask”, then handle that as you like.

I am tired that people complain so much about minor inconveniences when yet another family that we know had to say goodbye to their child because of cancer. America is a country full of selfish and entitled people who do not realize how good they have it. Does the pandemic suck? Yes! But most hate it because of the quarantine. What about the people that have died, or have lost loved ones? People like to quote statistics. They like to say it’s such a small number that die. But what happens when it’s you, or your child or loved one? Do you want to be treated as a statistic, or a person? People take comfort in statistics because they can think chances are low that it will happen to them. Well you know what is rare? Sarcoma. The chance is low that you will get sarcoma. Well that is little comfort to me. And if there was a way I could help prevent others from getting sarcoma, or any cancer for that matter, I would do it. There is a way to help prevent Covid, and that is a mask. Shit, back at the mask again. That wasn’t my intention here. It’s just such a minor thing when there are people out there with real issues. The constant complaining is wearing on me.

I am tired of the racist posts and memes I have seen on Facebook. If you find yourself unfriended or blocked, that is probably why.

I’m fed up with people who apparently seem to think that now that a year has passed, we are okay and there is no need to reach out anymore. It hurts. It hurts a lot when people disappear. I know people have their own lives and my loss is not first and foremost on their minds, but still. My circle has gotten significantly smaller. I do take comfort in those that are still there (hopefully you know who you are) because I know it hasn’t been easy. I still do not always respond to messages, I often do not want to get together, and I almost never will initiate any kind of plans, or even conversation. But I always appreciate the effort.

I’m tired of kids dying from cancer. I’m tired of the lack of attention and funding pediatric cancer gets. Imagine if there was the same attention and outrage for childhood cancer as there is for Covid-19. The difference is cancer isn’t contagious and statistics say childhood cancer is rare, so again, people think it won’t happen to them. But really, who the fuck cares if it’s rare?! Isn’t one child dying one child too many? Our children are worth more than that.

I’m tired of living. I’m tired of my empty life and quiet house. I’m tired of trying to figure out how to fill my days, especially now that I’m not working for the summer. I hated, HATED doing my job virtually, and I was so happy for the last day of school. But now I’m struggling with trying to find distraction, finding something to do to keep me from screaming in a rage. Trying to figure out how to just “be” is exhausting. Grieving is exhausting. I’m so tired.