Two months. Two months she’s been gone. Two months filled with heartache and despair. Two months of quiet, of emptiness, of earth shattering sadness. I have minutes, even hours where I may feel okay. Especially when at the gym or running. But then. Then the grief wave hits me and knocks me to the core. I feel it physically, in my stomach, in my head, in my bones. Reminds me that this empty, quiet life is forever. Forever is a long time. Forever is too long. I’m two months away from my daughter. But two months closer to death.
I was never one that believed in signs. What others viewed as signs I viewed as coincidences. But now I desperately look for signs that Ariella is present. Rainbows. We had a lot of rainbows after she died including the day after at our house and again at the shiva house. We even had a couple of rainbows in Jamaica and then greeting us when we came back from our trip. Are they signs? Or would they have happened anyway?
When Ariella was in the hospital she painted this picture. I don’t recall if it was before or after bone marrow transplant but it was before the ICU. Ariella picked the quote from the song Three Little Birds. She believed everything would be all right. After she died I got a tattoo with the 3 birds. The other day I was walking our dog and saw three little birds in a line on the ground in front of me. Was that a sign? Or just a coincidence?
Ariella participated in a program at the hospital called Beads of Courage. For every treatment, every procedure, every needle stick, every transfusion, etc. she received a bead. The color and shapes each represent a different procedure. The last bead she got was the butterfly. That’s the bead for gaining angel wings. I got that butterfly tattoo on my foot.
The beads in the jar are from Ariella’s treatment at Sinai, including initial relapse treatment. The ones in the bowl are from her time at Hopkins, February to May.
So back to the butterflies. Butterflies in general are often viewed as signs from a loved one. But there are butterflies all over the place in the summer. How can that be a sign? They would be there whether or not a loved one had died. But five days in a row big butterflies flew around me and landed nearby. Three times I saw a bright blue butterfly and once I saw a yellow butterfly.
So I question once again, coincidence, or signs?
Other possible signs. Ariella always tried to catch 11:11. She often missed it but when she did catch it she always made a wish. Soon after Ariella died I often saw 11:11 without trying. I also saw 1:11 quite a bit. Recently I often look at the clock and see any hour with 11 minutes, like 8:11, 3:11, etc. Does 11 mean something? Do ones? Maybe I just notice it more now. Clouds too. Ariella and I loved seeing shapes in the clouds. But since she died I see shapes constantly that remind me of her; unicorns, a bear, a butterfly, the letter A, three little birds. Does that mean something, or is my mind wanting to see those images and I’m seeing something that isn’t really there? Ariella loved to draw, color, paint, and create things with clay. I do like to think of her using the clouds as her new medium for artistic expression. I can just imagine her drawing with the clouds and molding them to form her shapes. I can also imagine her getting frustrated with it since clouds aren’t stationary! I can just hear her grumbling in frustration that the clouds weren’t staying where she put them.
Finally, our dog. We adopted our dog, Sherman on June 4, close to a month after Ariella died. Sherman spends a lot of time in Ariella’s room by himself. He takes his toys out of the basket and brings them upstairs to her room and leaves them there. If I put them away he immediately takes at least one out and brings it back upstairs into her room. Does he know something we don’t? Does he sense her presence? Or does he just like that space?
I’ve been reading books on near death experiences and I like to believe that they are real. But I’m skeptical. I would love for the signs and the experiences people have had to be real. That means her presence is around and we will be reunited some day. But it’s hard for me to really believe even though I am constantly seeking signs. It just makes it even harder to think 11 years is it for her. That it’s over, done, nothing else. So are the signs I’m seeing real, or imagined because I need them for comfort? Who knows? I would love to hear about signs you have seen after the loss of a loved one. Or if you had a near death experience, I would like to hear about that too.