Tag: Covid 19

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Back to School?

It seems that a lot of people think that kids belong back in school this fall. I don’t disagree. I think the kids are suffering in many ways and not only need to be in school for more effective learning, but also for that sense of normalcy. This has been a very frightening and uncertain time for adults, so just imagine how it is affecting the kids and teens. They may not express their fears and anxieties in obvious ways but how can they not be scared? Going back to school would allow them to go back to their usual routines, see their friends, and feel some sense of order. So yes, I agree that kids should be in schools. Provided strict safety measures are in place.

And therein lies the problem. I do not think there is any way safety protocols and procedures can be put into effect by the time schools are expected to open in the fall. In my urban school district for instance, on a good day soap is scarce, supplies are lacking, and the buildings are old and rundown. This does not lead to confidence that there will be PPE provided to staff and students, that schools will be cleaned more thoroughly on a regular basis, or that effective safety routines will be put into place. In one of our meetings discussing opening, there were lots of vague proposals including hybrid schedules and implementing physical distancing. But what was missing from the information was exactly how all of this is going to be implemented. What are the procedures for entry and exit? Walking through the hallways? How will classrooms be arranged? Who is providing PPE to staff and students? Who is providing materials for individual students since they won’t be able to share supplies? How will physical distancing be implemented and enforced? How will students be able to access their resource subjects? How will related service providers provide services? What are the protocols for staff that go to multiple schools, often in the same day? What about staff that go into homes? What are the procedures for cleaning? Who is going to provide the cleaning products? What if a child goes to the nurse with a fever? What if a parent sends a child to school with a fever? What happens if a student tests positive? Staff member? What if that staff member travels to multiple schools? What about staff that don’t feel comfortable returning regardless of the safety measures? What about high risk staff? And this is all just the safety concerns. If school districts want their staff to feel comfortable about returning to face to face instruction, these questions must be answered prior to the first day of school.

Those questions do not take into consideration actually providing instruction and related services. Will teachers be responsible for both in class and virtual teaching, essentially doubling their workload? Are related service providers who see infants and toddlers still expected to go into families’ homes? How will virtual learning and virtual services be provided? Overall there seemed to be a lot of difficulties with distance learning and yet we haven’t heard much about ways to improve. School districts should have been working on the safety protocols and distance learning plans since March and yet there seems to be no real plan or transparency. There is so much up in the air which leaves a very unsettled feeling. Not just for my school district, it seems to be a nationwide issue. And there is not much more than a month to figure out the plans, obtain supplies and materials and train staff. This is not enough time. It also does not give staff much time to figure out childcare.

If they were taking volunteers for staff to provide in person service, I would raise my hand so fast I would give myself whiplash. I have little thought of self-preservation these days. But how can anyone look at all of those questions that have not been answered and think that schools are ready to open? Someone commented on a friend’s post that of children Covid patients somewhere (I don’t recall where), a very small percent died which came out to be “only” 4 children. ONLY? ONLY? I’m not okay with that. No child should die and no child should die because things were rushed to be open without the proper protocols in place.

I realize this post has nothing to do with grief, cancer, or Ariella but this blog is about my life following the death of my daughter. I do certainly view things through a different lens now and if Ariella was here there is no chance she would be going to school in person and I would be terrified to return to schools thinking I could bring Covid home. And frankly, back to my previous theme of being tired, I’m tired of people saying kids need to be in school because they are not high risk, without considering the safety of the staff. My fear is that opening schools will end up being an experiment gone horribly wrong. And this is from someone who can’t wait to go back. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts. Especially from educators and parents.

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So Very Tired

I don’t post much on Facebook, other than childhood cancer awareness posts. But the other day, I just felt so tired and fed up that I wrote a very long rant, which I accidentally deleted before finishing and posting. I didn’t have it in me to type it all again, which probably was a good thing. Because I am not looking to argue. I prefer to express my views and thoughts and feelings here, where people have to make an effort to read them. Sure it’s just clicking a link if I share it to Facebook, but that in and of itself is a choice, rather than maybe catching a glimpse of what I wrote when scrolling by. Some people use Facebook to share their lives and join groups and communities. Others may use it to spread information and share facts. But it seems so many use the platform to spread lies, rumors, hate, and racism. What I see there on a daily basis disgusts me. My friends list consists of people I actually know in real life, cancer families, and bereaved parents. Most of what I am referring to is not posted by people on my friends list. It’s comments on articles or other posts, or posts and comments in groups I’m in. But I have blocked friends for things they have posted and will continue to do so. Not for things that are a simple difference of opinion, but things that are clearly hateful and racist. It’s not about politics, it’s about human rights and basic decency. Anyway, I did not intend to write about Facebook, so let’s get to the point of my post.

I mentioned that I started my Facebook post because I was tired and fed up. I know many of us are, for various reasons. What prompted me to start that post was just one more comment about how mandating masks violates rights. Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, my rights, my rights, my rights. Requiring a mask in a store is no different than requiring shirts and shoes. You don’t like it, don’t go. Sure there may be some medical reasons why one cannot tolerate a mask, but I see so many, so many people say they can’t wear one and I highly doubt it’s that widespread. They are uncomfortable and hot but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear it for the short amount of time you are in a store or ordering food or whatever. If you truly cannot, this doesn’t apply. I certainly am not going to be the mask police because I don’t know someone’s reason for not wearing one, but I will certainly give you the side eye if you are say, not wearing a mask while walking through the gym even though it is the rules of the gym (you do not have to wear the mask once you begin exercising). If you can walk on a treadmill, you can wear the mask to get there. You know who I never seem to see complain about wearing masks? Children. I have seen children out at the stores, all wearing masks and wearing them correctly. I’m sure they pull them up or down at times, but mostly they seem to be keeping them on. Yet adults are throwing tantrums over this. Every time I put a mask on, every time, I am brought back to the oncology clinic when Ariella would have her port accessed. I had to mask up for that. This is what masks remind me of. Ariella getting jabbed with a needle so her toxic chemotherapy could be delivered. I see the needle and the room. I smell the smells. Wearing a mask physically brings me back there. Seeing masks everywhere I go brings me back to the ICU, when anyone coming into Ariella’s room had to wear a mask. It takes me back to that room, Ariella lying in the bed, connected to machines and the ventilator. I hate masks. They are a trigger for me and completely unavoidable. But I wear them. I wear them for the community. Many say those who are more susceptible should just stay home. But say they do? What about the people that shop for them or care for them? Those people do need to go out in the world and if they are exposed, they bring it to the people they are caring for. Masks work. But I know that I am not going to change anyone’s mind who disagrees, and that is not the point of this, so I will not say anything further, other than this. Even though I think anyone who can wear a mask, should, I do not agree with “mask shaming.”. As I mentioned, there are valid reasons why someone may not be wearing a mask and unless you know their reason, it’s not your place to enforce the rule. Just stay away from that person if they make you uncomfortable. Now if they are being an asshole about it, refusing to wear one just because “I can do what I want, I don’t have to wear a mask”, then handle that as you like.

I am tired that people complain so much about minor inconveniences when yet another family that we know had to say goodbye to their child because of cancer. America is a country full of selfish and entitled people who do not realize how good they have it. Does the pandemic suck? Yes! But most hate it because of the quarantine. What about the people that have died, or have lost loved ones? People like to quote statistics. They like to say it’s such a small number that die. But what happens when it’s you, or your child or loved one? Do you want to be treated as a statistic, or a person? People take comfort in statistics because they can think chances are low that it will happen to them. Well you know what is rare? Sarcoma. The chance is low that you will get sarcoma. Well that is little comfort to me. And if there was a way I could help prevent others from getting sarcoma, or any cancer for that matter, I would do it. There is a way to help prevent Covid, and that is a mask. Shit, back at the mask again. That wasn’t my intention here. It’s just such a minor thing when there are people out there with real issues. The constant complaining is wearing on me.

I am tired of the racist posts and memes I have seen on Facebook. If you find yourself unfriended or blocked, that is probably why.

I’m fed up with people who apparently seem to think that now that a year has passed, we are okay and there is no need to reach out anymore. It hurts. It hurts a lot when people disappear. I know people have their own lives and my loss is not first and foremost on their minds, but still. My circle has gotten significantly smaller. I do take comfort in those that are still there (hopefully you know who you are) because I know it hasn’t been easy. I still do not always respond to messages, I often do not want to get together, and I almost never will initiate any kind of plans, or even conversation. But I always appreciate the effort.

I’m tired of kids dying from cancer. I’m tired of the lack of attention and funding pediatric cancer gets. Imagine if there was the same attention and outrage for childhood cancer as there is for Covid-19. The difference is cancer isn’t contagious and statistics say childhood cancer is rare, so again, people think it won’t happen to them. But really, who the fuck cares if it’s rare?! Isn’t one child dying one child too many? Our children are worth more than that.

I’m tired of living. I’m tired of my empty life and quiet house. I’m tired of trying to figure out how to fill my days, especially now that I’m not working for the summer. I hated, HATED doing my job virtually, and I was so happy for the last day of school. But now I’m struggling with trying to find distraction, finding something to do to keep me from screaming in a rage. Trying to figure out how to just “be” is exhausting. Grieving is exhausting. I’m so tired.