Exercise and Routine

It never ceases to amaze me how long it takes to get into shape, and how quickly we fall out of shape. I used to exercise daily either by running or going to the gym. I used to love running and was actually pretty fast. I hadn’t exercised since Ariella was in the PICU. Even though I was home some nights and still working part time I was too exhausted to drag myself out of bed to get to the gym before work. You see, nights in the hospital were not conducive to sleep. Nights were fraught with beeps and alarms, vital signs and transfusions. Some nights the lights had to be kept on and doctors were in and out throughout. So even though I did actually get fairly good sleep at home it was not enough to make up for the lack of sleep when in the hospital. After Ariella died I wasn’t motivated at all to do anything, much less exercise. I honestly didn’t care about taking care of myself. What was the point? Nothing mattered.

I finally decided that it was time to do something. Even though I don’t much care right now about my health I realized down the road I just might and would regret not taking care of myself earlier on. So a couple weeks ago I forced myself to go to the gym. Not necessarily on a regular basis but to try to get back into a routine. The gym is actually one of my safe places. I don’t know many people there and those I do know, know my situation and will ask how I’m doing but stop there unless I pursue it further. I’ve been doing some classes at the gym and it’s actually quite therapeutic. It’s an hour or so of distraction from reality. And it also helps to kill time. By the time I roll out of bed and get myself together, take our dog for a long walk and then go to the gym, I’ve managed to get through half a day. I’ve been running twice. I am nowhere near where I was when I was running on a regular basis. I think part of that is because I hadn’t exercised in a while, but I’ve also noticed that since Ariella died my heart rate and respiratory rate are higher. And sometimes I find it hard to breathe. Stress and grief impact your physical condition and that combined with an increased heart rate from exercise makes it quite difficult. But again it’s therapeutic. So I will keep trying.

Though it helps to have the structure and routine and to get out of the house for a bit so I’m not lying on the couch all day staring at the walls, it also saps my energy and at times makes me panicky. There comes a point anytime I’m out that all of a sudden, I’ve had enough. I need to be home. I’m careful about what I agree to do because I need to make sure I have an escape if I need one. I’m worried about going back to work because of this. On the one hand it will be good to be able to fill my days but on the other hand I’m terrified that I will breakdown and not be effective at my job. I have a very hard time concentrating on anything and I can only hope that work helps channel my attention into the job so I’m not so distracted by life.

New Friends and Game Night

From an okay day yesterday to today. Back to where I was. Hard to smile, hard to want to do things, hard to motivate. Which is fine. Which is where I still expected to be. I’m glad yesterday happened. Maybe it happened when it did to show me that it will one day be possible to experience that regularly even though I’m not there yet. Just to give some light in darkness. The thing is I feel more “right” today. Though yesterday felt okay it also felt “wrong” to feel that way. Not a guilt thing, I know Ariella would have wanted me to have fun. She always cared about how others were feeling, always wanted to make them feel better. Whenever I wasn’t feeling well at home even though it meant I wasn’t paying attention to her she always offered her special stuffed animal to me to make me feel better. She wanted everyone to be happy and well and I’m sure she’d still want that. But it just felt wrong that I could experience joy so soon after losing the most important part of me. How I’m feeling today, how I’ve been feeling, feels more right. I don’t want to stay here but right now it’s where I am and I think where I need to be.

The good thing is that we had plans so I did get out today. We went to brunch at a friend’s house. Someone who also experienced child loss and had reached out to me many times (we have a lot of mutual friends, I did not know her prior to this) when Ariella was sick and after she died. I wasn’t ready to accept until now and I’m glad I did. David and I had a nice brunch with her and her husband and we talked about other things but mostly our kids. And it was good to talk to people that get it. However it is so wrong that instead of discussing school or the activities they do we were comparing hospital stays, funerals, and shiva. They are further out than we are from the loss but I would say it’s still pretty new for them as well. I hate that this was the reason we actually met this family because we will be friends from here on out, but I am glad that we met them when we needed.

While we were at our friends’ they mentioned they were going to game night with their daughter and a couple other families. Game night was my favorite night of the week with the 3 of us. Friday night was either game or movie night but I definitely preferred the games. We had so many games where we had to be silly or do funny things and they always made for a great night. Our only child died. So no more family game nights or movie nights. David and I have very different taste in movies, we always just watched what Ariella wanted to watch. Just one of the ways in which our world has been completely changed. Our family of 3 became a childless family of 2. Most of the week Ariella was either at the dance studio or doing homework, or not feeling great because of her treatments. And David and I may have had plans during the week as well. But almost every Friday night was spent with the 3 of us together. The house is completely different without a child in it. Our routines have completely changed and it is extremely unsettling. Not only are we missing our daughter immensely but also missing everything that went along with having a child, even the arguments and attitude. It’s so hard to figure out how to go on from here. I’m glad I was able to take off the last few weeks of work (I work in the school system so to go back with a few week left would have just caused more stress) but I will need to figure something out soon to get through the long summer days. To end on a smile here is just a sample of one of our game nights.