Back to School?

It seems that a lot of people think that kids belong back in school this fall. I don’t disagree. I think the kids are suffering in many ways and not only need to be in school for more effective learning, but also for that sense of normalcy. This has been a very frightening and uncertain time for adults, so just imagine how it is affecting the kids and teens. They may not express their fears and anxieties in obvious ways but how can they not be scared? Going back to school would allow them to go back to their usual routines, see their friends, and feel some sense of order. So yes, I agree that kids should be in schools. Provided strict safety measures are in place.

And therein lies the problem. I do not think there is any way safety protocols and procedures can be put into effect by the time schools are expected to open in the fall. In my urban school district for instance, on a good day soap is scarce, supplies are lacking, and the buildings are old and rundown. This does not lead to confidence that there will be PPE provided to staff and students, that schools will be cleaned more thoroughly on a regular basis, or that effective safety routines will be put into place. In one of our meetings discussing opening, there were lots of vague proposals including hybrid schedules and implementing physical distancing. But what was missing from the information was exactly how all of this is going to be implemented. What are the procedures for entry and exit? Walking through the hallways? How will classrooms be arranged? Who is providing PPE to staff and students? Who is providing materials for individual students since they won’t be able to share supplies? How will physical distancing be implemented and enforced? How will students be able to access their resource subjects? How will related service providers provide services? What are the protocols for staff that go to multiple schools, often in the same day? What about staff that go into homes? What are the procedures for cleaning? Who is going to provide the cleaning products? What if a child goes to the nurse with a fever? What if a parent sends a child to school with a fever? What happens if a student tests positive? Staff member? What if that staff member travels to multiple schools? What about staff that don’t feel comfortable returning regardless of the safety measures? What about high risk staff? And this is all just the safety concerns. If school districts want their staff to feel comfortable about returning to face to face instruction, these questions must be answered prior to the first day of school.

Those questions do not take into consideration actually providing instruction and related services. Will teachers be responsible for both in class and virtual teaching, essentially doubling their workload? Are related service providers who see infants and toddlers still expected to go into families’ homes? How will virtual learning and virtual services be provided? Overall there seemed to be a lot of difficulties with distance learning and yet we haven’t heard much about ways to improve. School districts should have been working on the safety protocols and distance learning plans since March and yet there seems to be no real plan or transparency. There is so much up in the air which leaves a very unsettled feeling. Not just for my school district, it seems to be a nationwide issue. And there is not much more than a month to figure out the plans, obtain supplies and materials and train staff. This is not enough time. It also does not give staff much time to figure out childcare.

If they were taking volunteers for staff to provide in person service, I would raise my hand so fast I would give myself whiplash. I have little thought of self-preservation these days. But how can anyone look at all of those questions that have not been answered and think that schools are ready to open? Someone commented on a friend’s post that of children Covid patients somewhere (I don’t recall where), a very small percent died which came out to be “only” 4 children. ONLY? ONLY? I’m not okay with that. No child should die and no child should die because things were rushed to be open without the proper protocols in place.

I realize this post has nothing to do with grief, cancer, or Ariella but this blog is about my life following the death of my daughter. I do certainly view things through a different lens now and if Ariella was here there is no chance she would be going to school in person and I would be terrified to return to schools thinking I could bring Covid home. And frankly, back to my previous theme of being tired, I’m tired of people saying kids need to be in school because they are not high risk, without considering the safety of the staff. My fear is that opening schools will end up being an experiment gone horribly wrong. And this is from someone who can’t wait to go back. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts. Especially from educators and parents.

Back to School

Here we go. The back to school ads are everywhere. School supplies, clothes, uniforms. Parents celebrating that the summer is over, the kids are finally getting out of the house. The parents lamenting that their kids are growing so fast. They wish time would slow down. They don’t want their children to grow up. Be careful what you wish for. My child never got the chance to grow up.

The first day of school posts have been here for weeks now. I try to avoid the posts. I don’t do much on Facebook. I post updates of course about Ari’s Bears, maybe share some articles, but mostly stay on social media to keep up with the children I follow. The other posts hurt too damn much. In all honesty, even the posts about the children with cancer hurt because they are still alive. They have hope. In many cases the posts are about celebrating remission, end of treatment, ringing the bell. And many of those kids are starting school and engaging in typical childhood activities. But I worry about them. I want those kids to be cured. I want them to survive. I know them, I know their families and it is important to me to know how they are doing.

So of course I inevitably start scrolling through my feed. Usually at the top of my feed are the bereavement groups I’m in and pages I follow. But then the regular posts come. They are in my face showing me everything I am missing. The happy, intact families on vacation. The children at a dance competition. The parents attending various events for their children. The parents upset because their kids are growing too fast. The parents missing their kids who are at camp. Parents crying about their empty nest now that kids are heading to college. Each post another punch in the gut, a knife through my heart, a slap in the face. I quickly shut it down, tears streaming down my cheeks, wanting to throw up. And now the first day of school pictures. I will never have another first day of school picture of Ariella. I will never again see her standing in front of our house with her book bag on her shoulders, smiling so big because she loved school. I will never again have someone to help with homework and projects. I did not enjoy helping with projects. There was lots of yelling and complaining. Papers slammed down, pencils thrown. But I would give anything to have another project, another math sheet, another book report.

I never again get to share in the anticipation of the first day of school. Hearing about the classmates and teachers. Which friends are in the same class. Which electives will be selected. I never get to have another first day of school picture. No more comparing how much Ariella grew from the previous year. No more pictures at all. So I will share all the first day of school pictures I was blessed to have. I had to dig deep to find some of them because I did not always post them on Facebook and I don’t keep all my pictures on my phone (I have them all printed). I figured it wasn’t anything special. Every child has a first day of school, why do we need to share all the pictures? Little did I know. It never occurred to me that we would not get to have first day of school pictures through 12th grade. It never occurred to me that Ariella’s life would be cut short, that her school memories album would end in the the middle of 6th grade. I never imagined that I would be so desperate to find her first day of school pictures because they are all I have now.

The pictures should not end there. We should get six more first day of school pictures. We should get a going off to college picture. This should not be it. How? How did this happen? Why did this happen? How could this beautiful life be cut so short? She had so much more to do, so much more to give. Look at that face. Pure joy and excitement. And that was a chemo week for her. Chemo wasn’t going to keep her from school. How can anyone look at this child and think this would be her last first day of school? That in less than 10 months, this child, this beautiful child with so much hope and potential would be dead? I still can’t fathom it. That this beautiful, dancing flame was extinguished. That this brilliant spark of light no longer shines. She was supposed to survive.

Today should be Ariella’s first day of 7th grade. But instead we have empty steps in front of the house, an unused book bag hanging by the door, unfulfilled dreams, milestones that will never be reached. This last picture was a new beginning for Ariella. A new school. Middle school. A private school where most of the kids had known each other for years. But that didn’t daunt Ariella. She jumped right in and made new friends almost immediately. A wonderful, supportive group of friends. To them she wasn’t the kid with cancer. She was just weird, loud, goofy, and outgoing Ariella. She very quickly planned get togethers and sleep overs. Her entry into this new school was seamless. The world was hers for the taking. She had so much promise. How did everything go so fucking wrong?