signs

By now most of my readers know that I am quite skeptical when it comes to signs. But when your child dies you cling to any remote possibility that they are still around, can still hear you, and that you will one day be reunited. You desperately try to find some meaning and hope in a completely senseless situation. So I do keep my eyes open for signs. I collect signs like others collect coins or baseball cards. They give me a glimpse of hope, a little bit of light. I can look through them when I am feeling especially down. I frequently see the letter A, mostly in clouds but have seen it with sticks and straw as well.

Did not get a picture initially and as I continued my walk was thinking I should have taken one. When I made my way back about 15 minutes later was sad to see 3 cars drive right over it but surprised to see it still there and intact even with the cars.

Another commonly mentioned sign is deer. I don’t put too much stock into that since there are often deer in our neighborhood. However there has been a deer lately that has allowed us to get fairly close and the other day she was there with two babies. She has been hanging out in plain sight for quite a while lately and even when we get too close she doesn’t stray too far.

I have been seeking out grief books and blogs, especially ones written by bereaved parents. Most mention signs. They say to ask for signs. One mentioned to ask for crazy signs, things that are completely random, like she did with a purple elephant. And sure enough she got her sign. So I decided to try that. I asked for a purple elephant.

And there is my purple elephant. Spotted in a store in a part of town I almost never visit. I’m trying to keep an open mind. The other night we were outside on our deck and had a lit candle on the table. The flame grew quite bright several times. I wasn’t the only one who noticed it. I said maybe it’s Ariella saying hello. And after that it didn’t happen again even though we were out there a while longer. Maybe she was trying to make her presence known and once it was acknowledged she knew she could stop. We will never know. Well maybe we will one day? I still see 11:11 and the number 11 quite a bit. I had lunch with a friend the other day and I looked at the total on the register and it was $11.11. I see big yellow butterflies all over but it’s summer and butterflies are common. Not sure if that’s a sign. I did ask for a blue butterfly which I see less frequently, and one flew quite close to me and landed on a nearby bush with its wings spread so I could clearly see the blue. The next day one appeared on a TV show I was watching. Ariella really liked the song High Hopes and I hear it most days in my car. I first started thinking of that song as a sign when I heard it multiple times a day soon after she died and quite often when I had been going to or leaving the cemetery. And I heard it the other day at the baseball game. I don’t think I have ever seen a hummingbird up close in person. Last night when I opened the front door there was one just hanging out there, looking toward the house. I didn’t even realize what it was at first and once I noticed it, it flew away. Signs or coincidences? Not sure that we’ll ever know but I will keep asking for random signs and see what happens.

Seeing what may be signs does not make it any easier to live without Ariella. I like the idea that she is still around but that does not change the fact that her physical presence is missing. She is not here to hug and kiss and nurture. She will never grow up, never have all of the opportunities of which she dreamed. There are so, so many things I will never get to do with her and nothing will change that. If the signs are real what they do is reassure me that Ariella’s eleven short years were not it for her. Because it is impossible to come to terms with the fact that Ariella or any child that dies only gets to have such a short amount of time and that’s it for them. Her work here wasn’t done, she was only just getting started. She had so much good left to do. Eleven years is not enough and maybe, just maybe, she’s able to continue doing her good wherever she is.

And of course if she is able to send signs then she has a cognizance of our world and knows that we need to hear from her. And that though she is physically gone she is spiritually still alive and that means one day we will be together again. I just wish that day would come much, much sooner rather than later.

I don’t know what it will take for me to truly be a believer. Just about any of the signs I have seen/mentioned can easily be explained away. But as I’ve said I am grasping at anything to keep me going.

Two months. Two months she’s been gone. Two months filled with heartache and despair. Two months of quiet, of emptiness, of earth shattering sadness. I have minutes, even hours where I may feel okay. Especially when at the gym or running. But then. Then the grief wave hits me and knocks me to the core. I feel it physically, in my stomach, in my head, in my bones. Reminds me that this empty, quiet life is forever. Forever is a long time. Forever is too long. I’m two months away from my daughter. But two months closer to death.

I was never one that believed in signs. What others viewed as signs I viewed as coincidences. But now I desperately look for signs that Ariella is present. Rainbows. We had a lot of rainbows after she died including the day after at our house and again at the shiva house. We even had a couple of rainbows in Jamaica and then greeting us when we came back from our trip. Are they signs? Or would they have happened anyway?

When Ariella was in the hospital she painted this picture. I don’t recall if it was before or after bone marrow transplant but it was before the ICU. Ariella picked the quote from the song Three Little Birds. She believed everything would be all right. After she died I got a tattoo with the 3 birds. The other day I was walking our dog and saw three little birds in a line on the ground in front of me. Was that a sign? Or just a coincidence?

Ariella participated in a program at the hospital called Beads of Courage. For every treatment, every procedure, every needle stick, every transfusion, etc. she received a bead. The color and shapes each represent a different procedure. The last bead she got was the butterfly. That’s the bead for gaining angel wings. I got that butterfly tattoo on my foot.

The beads in the jar are from Ariella’s treatment at Sinai, including initial relapse treatment. The ones in the bowl are from her time at Hopkins, February to May.

So back to the butterflies. Butterflies in general are often viewed as signs from a loved one. But there are butterflies all over the place in the summer. How can that be a sign? They would be there whether or not a loved one had died. But five days in a row big butterflies flew around me and landed nearby. Three times I saw a bright blue butterfly and once I saw a yellow butterfly.

So I question once again, coincidence, or signs?

Other possible signs. Ariella always tried to catch 11:11. She often missed it but when she did catch it she always made a wish. Soon after Ariella died I often saw 11:11 without trying. I also saw 1:11 quite a bit. Recently I often look at the clock and see any hour with 11 minutes, like 8:11, 3:11, etc. Does 11 mean something? Do ones? Maybe I just notice it more now. Clouds too. Ariella and I loved seeing shapes in the clouds. But since she died I see shapes constantly that remind me of her; unicorns, a bear, a butterfly, the letter A, three little birds. Does that mean something, or is my mind wanting to see those images and I’m seeing something that isn’t really there? Ariella loved to draw, color, paint, and create things with clay. I do like to think of her using the clouds as her new medium for artistic expression. I can just imagine her drawing with the clouds and molding them to form her shapes. I can also imagine her getting frustrated with it since clouds aren’t stationary! I can just hear her grumbling in frustration that the clouds weren’t staying where she put them.

Finally, our dog. We adopted our dog, Sherman on June 4, close to a month after Ariella died. Sherman spends a lot of time in Ariella’s room by himself. He takes his toys out of the basket and brings them upstairs to her room and leaves them there. If I put them away he immediately takes at least one out and brings it back upstairs into her room. Does he know something we don’t? Does he sense her presence? Or does he just like that space?

I’ve been reading books on near death experiences and I like to believe that they are real. But I’m skeptical. I would love for the signs and the experiences people have had to be real. That means her presence is around and we will be reunited some day. But it’s hard for me to really believe even though I am constantly seeking signs. It just makes it even harder to think 11 years is it for her. That it’s over, done, nothing else. So are the signs I’m seeing real, or imagined because I need them for comfort? Who knows? I would love to hear about signs you have seen after the loss of a loved one. Or if you had a near death experience, I would like to hear about that too.

Tag: signs

Collecting Signs