I got two types of comments about my blog post that I shared yesterday. The first were the comments from people listening and actually hearing what I had to say. No judgment, no trying to make it better, despite the rawness and the darkness of the words I wrote. Expressions of love and caring and wanting to hear what I have to say. And then there were the comments telling me I shouldn’t feel that way. That I shouldn’t wish myself dead. That people love me and that Ariella wouldn’t want that. As well intentioned as I know these comments are, it is those comments that prevent other grieving parents from speaking up, from sharing their feelings, from putting themselves out there when trying to seek support. My feelings are valid. Talk to a group of grieving parents and I guarantee the majority have had thoughts of suicide, of dying, of welcoming death. It is okay for us to feel these things and telling us not to does not make those feelings go away. It just makes us feel like our feelings don’t matter. That we just need to suck it up and find a way to be happy even though our worlds have been shattered. I have spoken to bereaved parents further along this nightmare and I think maybe one day I will wake up and not want to die every second of the day but now is not that time. I know hearing those words makes people uncomfortable and sad. But they are not just words. They are my essence right now. I feel the pain deep into my soul and that pain makes it very hard to want to live. I know I have people here who love me and support me. It’s not about that. It’s about the crushing pain I live with every second of every day and wanting some kind of relief. I’ll be honest, there are times I am hesitant about sharing my true thoughts because it is scary and dark and something most people cannot fathom. But I got an email this morning from another bereaved mom thanking me for my post. She said it was real and expressed thoughts that she is uncomfortable sharing. And this is why I will continue to write and publicly share, no matter how dark and grim my thoughts are. Because bereaved parents need to know they are not alone. They need to know others have the same thoughts and have survived them. They need to know there is someone they can talk to who truly gets it. I think I can speak for most bereaved parents when I say that we know people just want to help. They want us to be okay and most are well-meaning. We know that people don’t know what to say. Just say you’re here for us. Don’t negate our feelings. Don’t tell us not to feel a certain way. Just listen.
I debated writing this because I know all the comments I got were out of love. And I’m not angry or upset with anyone. But the comments were a little upsetting and I want to continue to be able to share without judgement. I promised from day one that I would write my truth and I want to continue to do so, for me and for others going through this. So just when encountering a bereaved parent, or really anyone grieving, just listen. Don’t offer advice or platitudes. Validate their feelings and just be there. Know they may be having dark thoughts and that nothing you say or do will change that. But saying “I’m here” and letting them speak their truth may be just what they need in that moment.