I got two types of comments about my blog post that I shared yesterday. The first were the comments from people listening and actually hearing what I had to say. No judgment, no trying to make it better, despite the rawness and the darkness of the words I wrote. Expressions of love and caring and wanting to hear what I have to say. And then there were the comments telling me I shouldn’t feel that way. That I shouldn’t wish myself dead. That people love me and that Ariella wouldn’t want that. As well intentioned as I know these comments are, it is those comments that prevent other grieving parents from speaking up, from sharing their feelings, from putting themselves out there when trying to seek support. My feelings are valid. Talk to a group of grieving parents and I guarantee the majority have had thoughts of suicide, of dying, of welcoming death. It is okay for us to feel these things and telling us not to does not make those feelings go away. It just makes us feel like our feelings don’t matter. That we just need to suck it up and find a way to be happy even though our worlds have been shattered. I have spoken to bereaved parents further along this nightmare and I think maybe one day I will wake up and not want to die every second of the day but now is not that time. I know hearing those words makes people uncomfortable and sad. But they are not just words. They are my essence right now. I feel the pain deep into my soul and that pain makes it very hard to want to live. I know I have people here who love me and support me. It’s not about that. It’s about the crushing pain I live with every second of every day and wanting some kind of relief. I’ll be honest, there are times I am hesitant about sharing my true thoughts because it is scary and dark and something most people cannot fathom. But I got an email this morning from another bereaved mom thanking me for my post. She said it was real and expressed thoughts that she is uncomfortable sharing. And this is why I will continue to write and publicly share, no matter how dark and grim my thoughts are. Because bereaved parents need to know they are not alone. They need to know others have the same thoughts and have survived them. They need to know there is someone they can talk to who truly gets it. I think I can speak for most bereaved parents when I say that we know people just want to help. They want us to be okay and most are well-meaning. We know that people don’t know what to say. Just say you’re here for us. Don’t negate our feelings. Don’t tell us not to feel a certain way. Just listen.
I debated writing this because I know all the comments I got were out of love. And I’m not angry or upset with anyone. But the comments were a little upsetting and I want to continue to be able to share without judgement. I promised from day one that I would write my truth and I want to continue to do so, for me and for others going through this. So just when encountering a bereaved parent, or really anyone grieving, just listen. Don’t offer advice or platitudes. Validate their feelings and just be there. Know they may be having dark thoughts and that nothing you say or do will change that. But saying “I’m here” and letting them speak their truth may be just what they need in that moment.
You echoed everything that I feel. I will not harm myself but my desire to continue in this world left with her.
I love you. I hate that this is a bond we share.
So many people told me I shouldn’t wish myself dead. I hate people not in this situation telling me what I should or shouldn’t feel or think.
I’m just incredibly sad that this is your reality. I hope getting the feelings OUT and on paper, helps in some small way.
Your words in both posts are real. The pain stays with us, some days sharper than others, but always there. Our loss, being a bereaved parent, makes other uncomfortable, especially as time goes on. I, too, have stopped sharing, as you can see/hear it in their words, it’s been almost 4 years, and she’s still talking about it. So I stopped. Your words are truth. The pain is real. The pain will NEVER go away and others will just have to continue to be uncomfortable.
You can always share with me
Erica, I haven’t messaged you and David in a while, so first I need to tell you that Ariella is not, and never will be, forgotten. I think of her, and both of you, often. My heart aches for you, David, and all of Ariella’s extended family. You, and every grieving mother, are 100% justified feeling exactly as you do. Our discomfort, knowing how deep your pain is, is the last thing you should be expected to carry. Your load is heavier than anyone, who hasn’t suffered the loss of a child, can possibly fathom. My prayer for you is no more weight, no more burden….you have more than enough. Let everyone else feel uncomfortable, awkward and sad. We can handle it. I send love to you and David, with sincerest wishes for as many peaceful moments as possible. Speak your truth. I’m here.
Thank you
I am here listening and think about you, David and Ariella every day! You do have the right to express how you feel! You need to vent and writing is such a good way! I can only imagine all the emotions you feel on a daily basis and rightfully so! Please know I am here and always thinking and praying for you both!
Thank you
Erica, I totally feel you what you are saying. It’s a little different, though. I do not wish daily to be taken. I actually tell Anna all the time that I want to be with her so bad, but my place is with her sister for now. But every time the three of us board an airplane, I tell the heavens and Anna and whomever is listening, that if they take this airplane down I wouldn’t complain. If the three of us could all go together, we can be 4 again. That’s my deep, dark wish. 😔 I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hate the kid questions. “How many kids do you have?” “Does Avery have any siblings?” “Do you just have the one?” “Is Avery an only child?” Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh! My answer depends on the day, my attitude, my energy, my gut reaction on what they’ll say. I must say I’ve told a few people that have become great friends and aren’t afraid to ask questions about Anna. I love that. But more often than not, most feel uncomfortable. But I don’t care…they asked. Their problem if the feel uncomfortable, right? Life as a bereaved parent is a straight up b*tch!
Keep writing! I love your posts. They help me feel not so alone with these strange thoughts in my head. 💔
My answer also will probably change depending on who I am talking to. Someone I will see on a regular basis I figure I probably have to tell the truth because it will be more uncomfortable later on when finally revealing the truth. The week after Ariella’s death we went to Jamaica. I hate to fly, completely makes me anxious. The flight to Jamaica was so bumpy and I just found myself not scared at all. I knew I wouldn’t care if the plane went plummeting to the ground. I do know bereaved parents of living children are torn and I am sure that is a very different kind of pain.
I just wanted to let you know that in my opinion you are a very eloquent writer and I really truly appreciate your words and writings. Even though I am ahead of you in grieving the loss of my only child, my daughter Michele Ekaterini, by almost 3 years (it will be 4 years for Michele next month on 9/28/20), I patiently await for the emails of your blog. I long to hear words that I have said in the past and still do say, because then and only then do I realize I’m not “crazy” after all and I feel “validated”. I realize then that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I hope you will keep writing as I always look forward to your words. My brave & beautiful Michele fought long and hard against Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma for a little over 3 years. I know and feel your pain on a daily basis. Xoxoxo. Love, Michele’s Mommy, Val
Thank you for taking the time to write and I am so sorry about the loss of your Michele. This is the club that no one wants to be a part of but it does help to know we are not alone. And as long as I am living I will keep writing. Please stay in touch.
I am here and I am always listening. Please don’t ever stop writing and sharing your reality. My prayer is that one day you find some peace, however possible. Love you!
Thank you
The “no judgement zone” is why I am so glad I found the child-loss grief group I’m in. There it doesn’t matter if the loss just happened or if it happened years ago, everyone understands the despair and the grief and the many, many days you just want your life to end because life has lost it’s purpose and beauty. It’s exhausting to always feel down and as you said, live a lie, where you do the day to day things and talk as if all is just fine when inside you just want to sob and scream. I am tired all the time. And as you know, I have no answers just that I am here for you whenever you want.
The “no judgement zone” is why I am so glad I found the child-loss grief group I’m in. There it doesn’t matter if the loss just happened or if it happened years ago, everyone understands the despair and the grief and the many, many days you just want your life to end because life has lost it’s purpose and beauty. It’s exhausting to always feel down and as you said, live a lie, where you do the day to day things and talk as if all is just fine when inside you just want to sob and scream. I am tired all the time. And as you know, I have no answers just that I am here for you whenever you want.
You own your emotions and how you grieve. No one should weave their judgements into your grief. You certainly do not need people to tell you how you should navigate this unwanted journey. Your bravery and your truth in telling your story,I hope offers you some peace.