Posted on by stein28

MD Trek: What I Learned

As mentioned previously, when I set off to do this trek it wasn’t with the intention of trying to find myself or some such shit. It just seemed like an epic challenge for a good cause and I wanted to see if I could do it. But you can’t do something like that and not learn some things. So in no particular order, here are some things I learned on the trek.

  • That bike riding is most definitely not for me
  • That I can open a beer bottle without a bottle opener
  • Some new words
  • That I can be happy, maybe not 10/10 happy, but up there, and that I’m ready to be happy
  • That I can be silly, playful, and carefree
  • About the trekkers and support crew
  • That I can be more gutsy and less anxious
  • That I can trip over nothing, frequently
  • About succulents
  • That life is beautiful even with its ups and downs (I once knew this and now I know it again)
  • That it’s possible for me to not have an appetite (that never happens)
  • That I don’t need to suffer anymore
  • What it’s like to see in color again
  • About 7 incredible kids
  • That walking for hours is quite meditative BUT…
  • Running is still my happy place
  • That you shouldn’t run hard after eating pizza and half a chicken sandwich
  • That this physical and emotional challenge did not come even the slightest bit close to what Ariella and the other children endure(d)
  • To be careful when opening a package of chews
  • That slurpees expand
  • That I can doze off during a tattoo (ok this didn’t happen during the trek but the day after it ended and it commemorated the trek so it counts)
  • That I want to live: Ok. So this one is the big one. For early readers of my blog you’ll know that while I was not suicidal I frequently begged G-d to die. I pictured driving my car off a bridge or into a tree. I begged Ariella and my dad to take me with them. While I would not have done anything about it, I did not want to live. As time went on, I no longer felt quite so desperate to die but I would have welcomed death had it come. I most definitely did not fear death. I didn’t feel I had any purpose, anything to live for. With no other children to care for I felt aimless and that life was meaningless. Picturing another 40 years or so living like that was horrifying. But during the trek I felt happy, and I feel happy still. Parts of me that had been dormant for so long came alive again. I realized I can live, not merely survive. And I realized that I actually WANT to live.

9 Replies to “MD Trek: What I Learned”

  1. In an attempt to stay light hearted in what I know is SO much deeper, #2 was epic. A far greater feat than trekking across Maryland (in my humble opinion). Thank you for continuing to be open and honest about your journey. I am a better person now for knowing you ❤️❤️❤️

  2. It makes my heart fill with joy to hear you say that you want to live. I want you to live and be happy too! I love you <3

    1. Erica,

      There are things on this list that fills my heart reading them, and I’m certain others feel the same way about the most important ones. I almost get the feeling that while on and since the trek that you have breathed in fresh air….. the kind of air that you have not breathed in years.

  3. Oh, Erica, this just fills my heart. I’m SO happy that you’ve arrived at this place where you want to live! 💗 What a wonderful result of your commitment to do the trek! And opening a beer bottle without a bottle opener?!? You go girl! I’m sure that skill had NO impact on your newfound ability to frequently trip over nothing…😜

  4. I’m sure you have just answered your Dads and Ariellas prayers, their dreams, and hopes for you!
    Now get our there and enjoy life to the fullest. Live, love and have fun. You deserve this!

  5. I love you and am so happy that the joys of life are coming back for you. And your sense of humor is returning. I love the list of things you learned on the trek. It sure helps me to see you happy!

  6. I’ve been following your journey for a while now. I just wanted to say that number one, you’re an amazing person. Like, in every way. And number two, (there are just two points I felt the need to make) I was so moved to read your last bullet point about living. I recall your first posts several years ago about not wanting to live at times, so reading that made my heart happy for you. I’m sure it will be difficult, but I pray you keep the happy and it stays this way for you. This is probably cliche, but find those girlfriends that can make you laugh. There’s nothing like it. Sending you the very best.

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