A while back I wrote some posts about running, about what running means to me and why I love it (Just Run), (Finding Meaning in Running), (Running Towards Memories) and I have realized lately that I have been losing that. My running has been goal oriented with training cycle after training cycle and I have no longer been fueled by my desire just to move, to be outside, but instead by paces, distances, and qualifiers. I did enjoy that, for a time. I liked seeing my progress, seeing what my body can do, achieving PRs, but now it just feels like a chore. Taking away all that I love about the sport.
The other day I had a bad run. A really bad run. Can’t remember the last time I had a run so miserable. Even when I was running on a stress fracture. And in between uninhibitedly cursing, contemplating calling my coach or an Uber to come get me, or just laying on the ground until another runner came along, I truly questioned why I was doing this. I enjoyed the training. I loved the exhilaration after completing a challenging workout. I looked forward to the long runs. I liked trying to achieve new goals. I thrived on the structure and plan, the concreteness of trying to achieve certain paces, of going a certain distance. Until I didn’t. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. When I was on the trek and had a chance to run, whether it was to conquer the hills or just get some miles in, all I cared about was that I was running. I wasn’t worried about pace, or time, or PRs. I just wanted to soar. To feel the ground beneath my feet and wind in my face. When I got home from the trek the thought of continuing to train for the marathon just no longer appealed to me. Running was becoming a chore rather than a pleasure. I had just completed 2 back to back marathons plus half a training cycle prior to that where I got injured. I was going to take a break after this cycle but wow I do not want to go out there for another 18-miler or 20-miler right now. I dropped down to the half marathon distance and while there is disappointment that I didn’t have a better training cycle, there is a much greater sense of relief. If I want to go out and run, I can. If I’m not feeling it then I don’t have to.
I want to get back to running just for the sake of running (at least for now). To be in nature, to not care about anything but how it feels, to hear the trees rustling in the wind and the birds chirping. To feel the crunch of leaves beneath my shoes. To be present in my surroundings rather than using music to distract me while trying to go faster for longer. I want to run with the joy I used to have, with the peace I felt when running on the trek, with the carefreeness of a child. I am going to try some trail running. If I don’t break my neck tripping over a root I think it can be just what my soul needs to help revive my love of running.
I’m sorry that the “goal” type running has become a chore to you and agree totally that if it has been a chore than run, like you said, just to run. Get that joy of running back. There’s no sense in doing something you don’t enjoy and we all know how important it is to do what you want to do in this life (at least to a point, as long as you’re not hurting anyone and are paying the bills, etc.). Trail running could be difficult, keep your eyes on the path, please. I don’t want you to get hurt. I love you and think it’s a great idea to take a break from it all for as long as you need/want.