Hanging by a Thread

Something I have become good at over the past 5 years is pretending to be okay. Yes I’ve been open and vulnerable and shared my most raw and visceral feelings, but I’ve also become adept at sliding on that mask and smiling through the pain even when it threatens to drown me. Whether I’m freely expressing my emotions or burying them deep inside depends on the situation, who I’m with, my general mood, whatever. Sometimes you just have to be okay, even when you’re not. Which is something that I am struggling with at the moment. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time right now. There are obvious reasons of course but I’m feeling in a way I haven’t felt since right after Ariella died. And in all honesty that frightens me. I was in a very dark place then and I feel that depression creeping toward me again, reaching out ready to pull me back into its throes. I never would have done anything to hurt myself but I also would have welcomed death with open arms. And I still don’t like to admit that anytime I was behind the wheel of my car I imagined driving off a bridge or into a tree, just to end the pain. I don’t want to be back in that place but I feel it creeping up on me.

I’m trying to live a normal life. I don’t want to wallow. Feeling sad and sorry for myself is exhausting. I want to return to when I was feeling optimistic, when I felt like there was a purpose to living again. I’m trying. I’m running, I get out, I went out for a friend’s birthday. But none of it distracts me from the darkness that is beginning to fold itself around me once again.

I’ve been called strong, inspiring, resilient, and brave, perhaps for merely surviving but also being so open with my experience. I don’t feel any of those things. I’m not strong for surviving child loss. There wasn’t any choice. My heart continued to beat against my will. And right now I just feel tired. I want to give up. I want to let the darkness take over. It’s only been 5 years. I still have a lifetime to go.