Pain

Some days a good cry is just what you need. And some days you can’t fucking stop crying. You cry freely in your car, loud and hard until your throat is scratched raw and you have nothing left. Or so you think. You cry silently at work, your eyes welling up and no matter how hard you try to fight it, the tears eventually come dripping out. You curl up on your couch, clutching a blanket, trying to nap, to escape this pain but the tears have a different plan. They remind you that there is no escape. That you are doomed to this life of pain. You collapse to the floor of your kitchen, hugging your knees, rocking back and forth, your whole body shaking with your sobs. You’re literally pulling your hair, crawling in your skin with no way to ease that turmoil. This has been one of those days. You think you are doing okay. That you are no longer busy dying, that life is actually worth living. But then. BOOM! That pain pushes it’s way back to the surface and completely knocks you out. Reminds you that the pain is your shadow, sometimes hidden but never gone. And you’re a complete fucking mess. And you just want to give up again. I guess the difference now is that I know the better days will return. But today really caught me off guard. I knew it would be a tough day. These holidays and milestones always are. But it was exponentially hard today. And this really fucking hurts.