They say that losing a child changes you. For me I don’t think I feel so much changed, as I feel like my traits are more magnified. I have always had anxiety, always been introverted and shy, and always been quiet. After Ariella died those traits had taken over. My anxiety significantly increased and I was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after Ariella died (when I could finally drag myself out of the house and see a therapist). I became more quiet, despising small talk. All of it so mundane and unimportant. How could I have these insignificant conversations when inside all I wanted to do was scream over and over that my child was dead? I turned much more inward and closed myself off, hurting others. When asked how I was I always said “fine”. Did anyone want the real answer anyway? Yes, some people did. But mostly it was just others making polite conversation.
Those who knew me “before” or read my blog from the beginning can see my transformation. It feels like a lifetime and yet just a minute ago that I could not crawl out of bed, that I stopped eating and drinking, that I begged and pleaded and bargained with G-d to let me die. Gradually and then all at once very recently I found myself wanting to live again. I was having more good moments than bad, and was smiling and laughing so much more. I was enjoying life, not just plodding through the days until I could once again escape in sleep. I cannot pinpoint a specific event or moment, I just felt lighter and I knew that I would survive and could continue to have a good life even if it is alongside sadness and grief.
But. And? And life has been really hard lately. I have been experiencing a lot of change. And I have been feeling unsettled and uncentered, like the bottom is going to fall out once again. Triggers have been hitting me much harder, I’m caught off guard more frequently, and even though I’m surrounded by a wonderful support system I’ve been feeling very lonely. I know some of the reason for this but not completely. Is it the approaching holiday season? I’m sure that’s part of it but I don’t think it hit me so hard last year. Is it that I was still somewhat numb and now I’m not? I’ve finally experienced the highs of life again, truly feeling joy, so maybe the lows are hitting much harder? I don’t know. Is it possible to feel fragile and strong at the same time? I feel like the smallest thing may break me these days and I also know that ultimately I will be okay. I did not recognize that, even just a year ago. Probably not even 6 months ago. But knowing that doesn’t make these hard days any easier. What it does is take away that sense of hopelessness and futility. I know that it’s worth it to push through and also that it’s okay to retreat and hide for some time.
I don’t often ask for help. In fact I probably never do. But I am putting this out there. First please just bear with me if I’m less present, less forthcoming, less engaged. But please don’t let me disappear. Because right now that would be really easy for me to do.
Erica, you don’t know me, but I’ve read every word you’ve written since you started writing and read every post about Ariella. I just want you to know that I am with you in spirit all the time. I’m sure that’s true for others.
I admire your fortitude, your vulnerability so much.
I don’t want to make this about me, but I am a younger woman with a very serious illness. My loss is in no way equivalent to yours in type or scale, but I went from Ivy League graduate to frequently confined to the hospital; so much: my life, career, ability to parent are in question. Seeing you persevere through everything you have has given me hope, and more importantly has set a high bar for me of what it looks like to be resilient. Please know that your words are powerful, you are powerful – –even on the days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. You are heroic in my eyes.
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I will be praying for you.
We are ALWAYS here for you. I love you Erica <3
Grief is a roller coaster and from what I hear and am experiencing, it’s common to have very low times even when you’ve decided that life is worth living and there will be joy in your future. The holidays are especially difficult for me and for just about everyone in my group. They struggle every year, even those with years of grieving behind them. No matter what, there will always be down periods and sometimes I can’t recognize any specific triggers. You will always be loved and have support when you want it which is a blessing. Reach out whenever you need or want to, you will always have family and friends to help.
Still here. Still need want to take that walk with you.
Erica,
Just thank you for your raw vulnerability here and always! We hold or at least try to hold it all at once. The brutal and the beautiful which Glennon Doyle called Brutiful!
Time…. I believe that is what is happening here, passing time shifts around the grief, and in this shifting space is created where some joy can squeak right in.