Tag: friends

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Friends

Yesterday afternoon I went back to Sinai Hospital to deliver more bears for Ari’s Bears. This time was so much harder than the first time I went back. This time I couldn’t tell her story to the parents without breaking down. This time I had Ariella’s friends with me, mostly school friends, and her absence was obvious. There was no one playing basketball or challenging me to Foosball. It was so quiet in there for having seven preteen girls and one preteen boy. That room was never quiet when Ariella was in there.

I love Ariella’s friends. They welcomed her into a new school with open arms and treated her like a normal kid. They were supportive of her and it was evident how much they liked her. She was the new kid and yet never felt like one. I am forever grateful to her friends for being so kind and loving and welcoming. She truly loved her school and went even when she wasn’t feeling her best. I am also so pleased that her friends are also passionate about Ari’s Bears. They too want to continue her legacy.

But being with her friends at the hospital was so very hard (any of her friends reading this, you guys were incredible and you will always be part of our lives and part of Ari’s Bears, it’s just hard for me to do it without her). Watching them interact, hearing their conversation, and just knowing a member of their crew was missing. Ariella loved being with her friends. She thrived on the interaction. I miss all of it so much. I miss hearing about her friends, having her friends sleepover, watching her become more independent, watching her come into her own. I have a lifetime of seeing girls her age grow up, surpass her, do all the things she will never get to do and that I will no longer get to do with her. As parents we take such joy in our kids. We take pleasure in watching them grow, making their way in the world. We live through them. Our jobs are to raise them into successful, independent adults. Watching the other kids do it just isn’t good enough. Watching other kids do it is so fucking hard. I want her back. I want my baby back. I don’t want to navigate this world without her. I need her to nurture, to love, to take care of.

This morning I was at an appointment with someone at a radiation oncology office. Figured it would be fine, I was just hanging in the waiting room. But while waiting I heard two patients ring the end of treatment bell. The sounds of celebration filled the waiting room. Ariella rang the end of treatment bell twice. First after she finished her first line treatment and second after she finished radiation as part of her relapse treatment. I was so happy when she finished that radiation treatment. For one thing, she was feeling pretty lousy from the radiation so I was hopeful that she would start feeling better soon. But mostly was thrilled to be finished with that phase of treatment and hopefully move onto the next, the bone marrow transplant. Radiation worked. Her tumors were dead. Nothing lit up on the PET scan. It was time to kill those cancer cells for good with new bone marrow. So much hope. Hearing the bells brought me back to those two times when we had hope, a positive outlook. We thought things would be okay. Only to have our hearts ripped out of our chests with nothing left to live for.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to cry everyday, I don’t want to live with a gaping hole in my chest, I don’t want to watch or hear about the other kids getting to do all the things Ariella will not. I can’t go anywhere without the threat of a trigger. There is always a reminder, something that makes me think of her. In reality I am always thinking about Ariella. I am always aware of her absence. But some things just slap me in the face. Make it painfully obvious that she’s not there. Makes me miss her even more if that’s possible.

I think my friendships are ultimately going to suffer. Especially friendships made because of Ariella. Not because of them, but because of me. It’s too painful and I fear I may have to distance myself. But then I won’t have anyone outside of family. I don’t know how to do this life. This life is unrecognizable. I am unrecognizable. I am not sure how to go on from here.

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4th of July

Ariella always loved the 4th of July. We spent several of them at the beach which she really loved, but we also enjoyed the 4th when we were home. Barbecues and fireworks with friends would be a typical 4th at home. She loved sparklers and poppers. Really she loved anything that made a lot of noise. She certainly was loud!

Two years ago July 4th was spent in the hospital. Ariella did not let that stop her from being festive. A friend brought us burgers and Ariella had a great time making fireworks decorations for her room. She had a chest tube at that time because of the 2nd pneumothorax but that did not stop her from getting to see fireworks. Nurses arranged it so that we were able to watch the fireworks from the helipad. It was definitely a neat experience. One that at the time I would have rather not had (because we had been in the hospital for quite a while by this point and who wants to spend any holiday in the hospital) but I would give anything to be back there. Because though she had cancer she was alive and we were optimistic that she would be ok in the long run.

David and I spent the 4th with some friends. It was bittersweet. Ariella should have been there. We are friends with the 3 families we spent the day with because of Ariella. Ariella danced with their children. Friendships made because of Ariella will be tricky to navigate. Because I have to watch their children do all the things Ariella should be doing. Many friendships were made because of our roles as dance moms. I am no longer a part of that world. Some friendships with the dance moms are stronger than others but I don’t want to lose the connections I made. And yet. As the kids continue with their dance and the next dance season starts I worry it will be too hard to see those moms. Because their kids get to move on, grow up, enjoy their passion for dance. So much of the time spent with the moms was at the studio or competitions. I don’t get to do that anymore.

Some of Ariella’s friends have been texting me, to check in and tell me about their days. I love hearing from them. I want to watch them grow up, celebrate their achievements and milestones with them, and basically just live vicariously through them. But that is also bittersweet. But I think maintaining a connection with her friends helps me forge a different connection with Ariella. Because she was different as a friend than as a daughter. So it’s worth it.

That all said, I truly do want to hear about friends’ children. Just know that sometimes it may be too hard.

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A New Month

Have turned the calendar twice now since Ariella died. Almost 2 months without her. Every turn of the page takes me further from her. On the other hand, I wish I could just keep flipping and flipping and flipping the pages to make time speed up. But it’s just the opposite. The days drag and sleep is barely an escape because sleep is elusive. Most minutes of most days are torture and I’m wondering once again how I am actually going to survive the rest of my life without my daughter in it. The okay day Saturday now feels so far away, just 2 days ago.

I can’t even explain what makes one day harder than another. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason. It’s just what I’m feeling at any given time. I will say that today I was triggered by a Facebook memory of Ariella and my father together at a baseball game. They are both gone now and I was so close to both of them. Ariella and my father very close as well. She was devastated when he passed in 2016. The picture was from 2012 so she was 4 1/2. Their birthdays are 1 day apart and were always celebrated together. I think they have a special connection. He died in February 2016 and she was diagnosed in February 2017. She had her bone marrow transplant in February 2019, one day after the 3rd anniversary of his death. I took that as a good sign, that maybe February would finally be associated with good. But nope February sucks. Now they are just 1 grave site apart.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook memories. I do like reminiscing but they make me so sad that we won’t get to make more memories. Facebook itself is a trigger. I actually don’t do much on Facebook but post my updates, check in on my bereavement groups, and check on the cancer families I have gotten to know so well. The rest is just too hard to look at. I may start scrolling but it’s all happy families, family vacations, Ariella’s friends doing things without her. It’s too painful to see what Ariella should be doing and what we should be doing as a family but can do no longer. We know our family and friends and Ariella’s friends are sad and miss Ariella, but it doesn’t consume them and it shouldn’t consume them. But I can’t lie, it is painful to see everyone else going on happily living their lives when we are stuck in the depths of despair.

Summer is a trigger. Not my favorite season but my favorite time of year usually. I haven’t worked the past 3 summers so got to do many mother daughter activities. Not so much in 2017 because Ariella was in the hospital much of that summer but even though she was in treatment 2018 we got to enjoy that summer the 2 of us and as a family. But generally during summers we would go to New York (started that tradition when she was 5 years old) and see shows on Broadway and take at least one other day trip. At least one family vacation every summer. Long days at the pool with evening swims. Hikes and finding waterfalls. Family bike rides. Parks and playgrounds. Snowballs and Rita’s. Strawberry and cherry picking. Going to baseball games and amusement parks. Ariella was fearless. The bigger, faster, and scarier the roller coaster, the better! Last summer as a family we went to Disney World through Make-a-Wish and Ocean City with Believe in Tomorrow. In addition to that Ariella and I went to LA for Dancers against Cancer. So much family stuff happens in the summer. I don’t have much to do this summer but haven’t even joined our pool (though I usually love the pool) because Ariella should be there with me, bugging me to watch this and throw this and play with me. Not sure I can go there without her. Not sure how I am going to survive this summer. I guess like everything else minute by minute, sometimes second by second. In no particular order by year here are some pictures from various summers.

One thing did make me smile today. Not one, but two of Ariella’s friends texted me today to see how I was and let me know they were thinking of us. They’ve reached out to me more than people I expected to and haven’t, and I am so grateful that Ariella had such good friends. I am grateful to her newer friends from 6th grade for welcoming her into a private school where the others mostly had been in school together since kindergarten. It didn’t take her long to have a good group of friends and they were amazingly supportive of Ariella during her treatment (she was in outpatient treatment during the entire time she was in 6th grade, all of 5 1/2 months) and when she was in the hospital. I am grateful to her dance friends as well for reminding her always that she was part of their family even when she wasn’t able to dance. I think many adults could learn a lot from Ariella’s friends.

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New Friends and Game Night

From an okay day yesterday to today. Back to where I was. Hard to smile, hard to want to do things, hard to motivate. Which is fine. Which is where I still expected to be. I’m glad yesterday happened. Maybe it happened when it did to show me that it will one day be possible to experience that regularly even though I’m not there yet. Just to give some light in darkness. The thing is I feel more “right” today. Though yesterday felt okay it also felt “wrong” to feel that way. Not a guilt thing, I know Ariella would have wanted me to have fun. She always cared about how others were feeling, always wanted to make them feel better. Whenever I wasn’t feeling well at home even though it meant I wasn’t paying attention to her she always offered her special stuffed animal to me to make me feel better. She wanted everyone to be happy and well and I’m sure she’d still want that. But it just felt wrong that I could experience joy so soon after losing the most important part of me. How I’m feeling today, how I’ve been feeling, feels more right. I don’t want to stay here but right now it’s where I am and I think where I need to be.

The good thing is that we had plans so I did get out today. We went to brunch at a friend’s house. Someone who also experienced child loss and had reached out to me many times (we have a lot of mutual friends, I did not know her prior to this) when Ariella was sick and after she died. I wasn’t ready to accept until now and I’m glad I did. David and I had a nice brunch with her and her husband and we talked about other things but mostly our kids. And it was good to talk to people that get it. However it is so wrong that instead of discussing school or the activities they do we were comparing hospital stays, funerals, and shiva. They are further out than we are from the loss but I would say it’s still pretty new for them as well. I hate that this was the reason we actually met this family because we will be friends from here on out, but I am glad that we met them when we needed.

While we were at our friends’ they mentioned they were going to game night with their daughter and a couple other families. Game night was my favorite night of the week with the 3 of us. Friday night was either game or movie night but I definitely preferred the games. We had so many games where we had to be silly or do funny things and they always made for a great night. Our only child died. So no more family game nights or movie nights. David and I have very different taste in movies, we always just watched what Ariella wanted to watch. Just one of the ways in which our world has been completely changed. Our family of 3 became a childless family of 2. Most of the week Ariella was either at the dance studio or doing homework, or not feeling great because of her treatments. And David and I may have had plans during the week as well. But almost every Friday night was spent with the 3 of us together. The house is completely different without a child in it. Our routines have completely changed and it is extremely unsettling. Not only are we missing our daughter immensely but also missing everything that went along with having a child, even the arguments and attitude. It’s so hard to figure out how to go on from here. I’m glad I was able to take off the last few weeks of work (I work in the school system so to go back with a few week left would have just caused more stress) but I will need to figure something out soon to get through the long summer days. To end on a smile here is just a sample of one of our game nights.