Ariella always loved the 4th of July. We spent several of them at the beach which she really loved, but we also enjoyed the 4th when we were home. Barbecues and fireworks with friends would be a typical 4th at home. She loved sparklers and poppers. Really she loved anything that made a lot of noise. She certainly was loud!
Two years ago July 4th was spent in the hospital. Ariella did not let that stop her from being festive. A friend brought us burgers and Ariella had a great time making fireworks decorations for her room. She had a chest tube at that time because of the 2nd pneumothorax but that did not stop her from getting to see fireworks. Nurses arranged it so that we were able to watch the fireworks from the helipad. It was definitely a neat experience. One that at the time I would have rather not had (because we had been in the hospital for quite a while by this point and who wants to spend any holiday in the hospital) but I would give anything to be back there. Because though she had cancer she was alive and we were optimistic that she would be ok in the long run.
David and I spent the 4th with some friends. It was bittersweet. Ariella should have been there. We are friends with the 3 families we spent the day with because of Ariella. Ariella danced with their children. Friendships made because of Ariella will be tricky to navigate. Because I have to watch their children do all the things Ariella should be doing. Many friendships were made because of our roles as dance moms. I am no longer a part of that world. Some friendships with the dance moms are stronger than others but I don’t want to lose the connections I made. And yet. As the kids continue with their dance and the next dance season starts I worry it will be too hard to see those moms. Because their kids get to move on, grow up, enjoy their passion for dance. So much of the time spent with the moms was at the studio or competitions. I don’t get to do that anymore.
Some of Ariella’s friends have been texting me, to check in and tell me about their days. I love hearing from them. I want to watch them grow up, celebrate their achievements and milestones with them, and basically just live vicariously through them. But that is also bittersweet. But I think maintaining a connection with her friends helps me forge a different connection with Ariella. Because she was different as a friend than as a daughter. So it’s worth it.
That all said, I truly do want to hear about friends’ children. Just know that sometimes it may be too hard.
I love you. Every day is hard and holidays are especially hard. I loved July 4 at the beach when you guys were there. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t stand it anymore and it takes awhile to regroup myself.