vacation

September 8, 2022

My Colorado Vacation, Etc.

It’s been a while. Not sure why. Just haven’t felt like putting my thoughts down I guess. Not much has changed and I bore myself with writing the same things over and over. I have been wanting to write about my vacation but I also haven’t because nothing I write will be able to capture how I truly felt. I’ve been on vacations since Ariella died and all have been good, but not like this. This didn’t feel like a vacation. This felt like a respite and it felt like coming home. For the first time since May 2019 (actually probably since February 2017 when Ariella was diagnosed) I felt like I could just breath (well other than not being able to breathe due to the altitude). I finally felt calm and at peace even though we were active the entire time. It was the mountain scenery, the fresh air, and the sun. It was the laid-back pace and the nice people. It was having so much to do outdoors and just being able to soak up nature. For a moment I didn’t have the constant feeling of despair and lump in my throat. Since Ariella died I have been plagued by physical symptoms. I just never feel quite right in my body. And I always feel anxious, uncomfortable in my own skin (honestly that’s been the case all my life but has increased to the nth degree since Ariella died). That feeling was much diminished for the two weeks we were away. I’m not going to recap our entire trip because it’s not about what we did but, but rather about how I felt, what it did for my soul. I felt Ariella there. I missed her of course. I imagined doing the activities with her. She would have loved the zip lining and rafting and the hiking. And the donkeys! She would have adored the donkeys! She would have loved all of it. There were signs everywhere. While I was thinking of her the entire trip, her loss and presence was felt in a different way, a way that I cannot really explain. And I finally felt like I may one day be, while not truly happy and never whole, at peace. I hope that we can actually move to Colorado in the near future. It gave me something I didn’t know I needed.

Every September (childhood cancer awareness month) since 2017 I have filled my newsfeed with facts about childhood cancer and my feed is filled with gold and facts from other childhood cancer parents. I don’t have it in me to do this year. I changed my profile and cover pictures and that’s the extent of it. I’m preaching to the choir and I’m just tired of having to educate others. September is overwhelming and sad and frustrating and inspiring and triggering and hopeful but mostly I just want to ignore it. I’m bitter and resentful. No matter what I do, no matter what changes with funding and research and medications, it’s too late for my child. And of course I don’t want any more parents to hear those words “your child has cancer” and of course I don’t want kids to keep dying. But I’m jealous. And every time I see a post about ringing the bell, clear scans, 5 years NED, I am so happy for that child and family AND I am so sad that it wasn’t also my child. All that said, I minimize my consumption of social media in September (I’m posting on Instagram for my running and Instagram and Facebook for Ari’s Bears but don’t scroll much) and just trying to get through the days as per usual. It is a shame that childhood cancer awareness directly relies on those experiencing childhood cancer. Some businesses/organizations get involved but not enough. I do hope for a day that September is as gold as October is pink.

I had intended to incorporate my running in this blog since it’s my way of working through my grief but I’ve neglected to do that as well (I am sharing my running on Instagram but not much here). Running is once again frustrating for me at the moment. I have finally almost returned to my fitness level pre-injury and am again feeling something going on in my right thigh/hip/groin area (same leg that had the stress fracture). I only ran one day last week, an 18-miler to try to give my leg some rest. My leg was okay during the run, no pain, but could feel twinges and niggles and some achiness. I wasn’t sore after and could walk normally so after a couple of days of rest I did my track workout last night. Same thing, could run with a normal gait without actual pain but definitely feel something going on. Rule of thumb is it’s okay to run through up to a 3 or so/10 pain level as long as you’re not limping and your stride doesn’t change but my fear is that I am at the start of an injury so if I continue running on it even without pain now, it will get worse and by the time I feel pain when running it will be too late. If I wasn’t training for a marathon I wouldn’t be so concerned. I would either lay off for a while OR try a couple more runs since if I was sidelined I wouldn’t miss a race. But I feel like it’s no win for me right now. I can take time off now and be undertrained and derail the fitness I gained back, or try a few more runs and risk injury. It’s really not a choice, I definitely am going to take some time off because I really want to get to that starting line. But it’s frustrating not knowing what actually is going on. Is it muscular, a nerve? Bone? There’s just no way to know. With my world being so overwhelming I rely on running to help clear my head and relieve some of my anxiety and stress. Life just seems that much harder when I can’t run. I don’t think this is a serious injury and that I will be back to it, but I wish that just one thing can go smoothly for me. Despite my leg being not quite right, I had a great run this weekend. I was scheduled for 18 miles and had a 12 mile race that day so added 6 miles at the track prior to the race. I thought running 24 laps would be awful but I actually found it quite meditative. Didn’t have to think or plan and could just enjoy the quiet. When it came time for the race I had no intention of actually racing it, was planning on doing it like all the long runs, at an easy, conversational pace. But I was feeling great and my pace was a lot faster than I planned or expected, giving me some needed confidence prior to race day. But of course my leg is putting a damper on things. There are just over 4 weeks until race day. Here’s hoping!

April 19, 2022

Dominican Vacation

Just came back from vacation in the Dominican Republic. This was a long time coming; we were supposed to go in June 2020 but maybe it worked out for the best. With the way this school year has been going I certainly needed the vacation so it came at the perfect time. This was an all-expenses paid, all-inclusive vacation gifted to us by Team Campbell Foundation (https://teamcampbellfoundation.org/). Unlike our other trips for bereaved parents, the various retreats we have attended, this was just a vacation. The retreats are extremely beneficial, therapeutic and sometimes healing, but they are most definitely not relaxing. They are agonizing and heartbreaking. Not really a chance to connect with your partner but more a chance to connect with other families which is incredible but also exhausting. Sharing your own grief can help lighten the load but taking on the grief of others can be burdensome. This vacation was just that, a vacation. Relaxing mostly, active when we needed a change, and overall just peaceful.

After a long Saturday of travelling we toasted our arrival with some beers.

Arriving at the resort we were eager to explore the property and take in the beauty of the area. We quickly settled into our routine of relaxing at the pool or beach, eating, and sometimes working out. The weather was beautiful and you couldn’t beat the scenery. It was quite calming just being there.

Though calm is good, after several days of taking it slow and easy David and I were both getting antsy so decided to go on a couple of adventures. The first was zip lining. This was something that fearless Ariella would have loved and it was impossible not to imagine her with us, soaring over the trees, screaming with laughter.

Our other off-resort adventure was dune buggies. Another one Ariella probably would have liked though it’s difficult to completely say. She would have loved the bouncing and speed but not so much the dust blowing in her face. As part of this excursion we got to swim in a cool little cave, taste some coffee and chocolate, and learn a little about the Dominican history.

It was a nice vacation. Plenty of downtime with just the right amount of activity. Time to reconnect without life to get in the way. But there were lots of families with children there. And I couldn’t stop thinking about what a beautiful family vacation that would have been. I couldn’t help but wonder what Ariella would do. At 14 she probably would have ditched us and spent her time in the teen area. She would have complained about being bored in the ocean. The waves weren’t big enough for her. She would have loved the ziplining and would have wanted to go snorkeling. But I can’t know for sure. The Ariella I know is forever stuck at 11. Who knows what her likes and dislikes would be now? Who knows who she would be? So I’m left imagining. Even though this was a place none of us had ever been, her absence was immensely felt. This is life now. Never completely content. Never able to be fully at peace.
We are so grateful to Team Campbell Foundation for giving us the gift of time free from distractions, the gift of connection, the gift of sunshine and warmth, and the gift of some quiet. It was much needed and quite restorative.

January 7, 2022

I’ve been wanting to write about my vacation since we got home but just hadn’t gotten to it. Not sure why. I had plenty of time considering my winter break was extended but for some reason when I have nothing to do it’s even harder to be productive. As much as I did not want the extended break because those days will be added to the end of the school year, it was nice to be home with nothing to do. But now, with this snow day I am officially bored and figured it was finally time to write about our trip.

As always, it feels good to get away. It doesn’t lessen the pain of missing Ariella but going to a place that is not fraught with memories helps to soften the edges of grief. We started our vacation in Delray Beach, FL where we got to spend time with my aunt and David’s grandmother. We don’t see them enough and it was good to be with family. We didn’t have to put on any kind of act or brave face, we just had to enjoy each others’ company. I made sure to get my run in, we paid a visit to the beach, and had some tasty meals (Chinese food on Christmas Eve; can’t go wrong there). But mostly we were just together.

On Christmas day we headed to Ft. Lauderdale to spend the evening with a friend and her girlfriend. I have mentioned before about how grief changes relationships in many ways. Some relationships don’t survive but others grow and you find people there for you that you wouldn’t necessarily expect. This friend we visited wasn’t a close friend. We all went to school together but our relationship didn’t really go beyond that. But she has reached out sincerely many times since Ariella died and we have learned that she will always be someone we can rely on for support. We had a nice evening on her roof just shooting the shit and enjoying sushi and again just hanging out with no expectations. The thing about making or growing friendships after a traumatic event is that they don’t know who you were before so they can’t see how you’ve changed. No pressure to be the carefree people we were before.

After our visit with our friends it was time to head down to the keys. We spent a night in Key Largo where I got David on a paddleboard and we had a brief visit from a manatee. The place we stayed was a neat little resort with our own little bungalow right on the beach. We had dinner on the water, I of course got my run in the next morning, and our entire stay was peaceful.

Finally it was time to head to our final destination, Key West. The drive was easy and while we had a great trip until then, it was nice to know we were going to stay put for a few days. There was a stark difference between Key Largo and Key West, with Key West bustling with much more activity, especially in the downtown area. We did all the touristy things; the southernmost point of course (David made me wait in line for a picture, I would have been happy taking a picture at the southernmost bar) and next to that was a menorah so we decided to take a picture as the southernmost Jews as well, the butterfly conservatory where I had a friend land on my head, sign from Ariella? It did land where a unicorn horn would be…, Hemingway’s house with the many 6-toed cats, Truman’s Little White House, and of course meandering along Duval St.

We were certainly not idle in Key West. I continued to get in my runs which were so nice to do along the water with flat terrain. It was hot, even early in the morning, but it was great to not have to think about what to wear or layer up and I could just enjoy the lovely surroundings. We went kayaking through the mangroves one day where we saw manatees, nurse sharks, and lots of jellyfish, and spent hours biking around the island another. We saw a beautiful sunset with three birds (another sign from Ariella) and took a ghost tour where we learned about the darker side of the island’s history.

Though we kept busy we also were able to relax by the pool and just enjoy the calm. That’s not to say there was no sadness this trip. Though this was not a place we had been before it was easy to imagine Ariella there with us. We would have spent hours in Hemingway’s House to see all the cats. She would have stopped to pet every dog that passed by. She would have been on the paddleboard and kayak and ridden her bike alongside us (who am I kidding, she would have left me in the dust on the bike-that kid was fearless). She would have been in awe at the butterfly conservatory and the ghost tour would have been her idea. Watching other families have amazing vacations feels like a sucker punch right in the gut. This vacation was proof that joy can exist with sadness and pain but those moments of happiness are fleeting and the pain often overrides.

Our trip home was a clusterfuck from the moment we arrived at the Key West airport. The security line was the length of the airport, the departure board wasn’t updated regularly, and I don’t think a single flight took off on time. The waiting area was standing room only and barely even that. We were cutting it close for our connection but would have made it had they been able to get the jetway to the plane and open the door in a timely manner (took at least 15 minutes after we arrived at the gate). We sprinted to our gate with ~10 minutes until departure (reinforcing that sprinting and distance running are two very different beasts and I am not a sprinter) to find the plane still there but the gate closed. We were both furious because we were on the ground while the flight was still boarding and there were 5 of us trying to make that flight. They should have held the plane. Anyway, they didn’t and fortunately we were able to get on a flight a couple hours later. We made some friends that had also missed the connection and had some food and drinks in the bar. Ultimately I think missing our flight may have been another sign from Ariella. While in the airport in North Carolina I texted a friend that we met at our bereaved parents retreats that we have gotten close to. They live in North Carolina but I knew they had been away as well. I was curious if they were still on vacation and it turns out they had just landed when I texted! Not only that they were deboarding at a gate right by ours. So we got to have a lovely, albeit brief reunion in the airport. Most of the vacation it was nice to be just us, not the bereaved parents. But there were times I wanted to shout “MY CHILD IS DEAD!” It is just so surreal to do “normal” things with others having no idea of the turmoil inside. So seeing our friends, this beautiful family in the airport, gave me that brief moment of being with someone who just knows and who feels the same, without having to talk about it. So maybe I needed that and maybe that’s why we missed our connection (sorry to the others who missed that flight!). We left with plans for a weekend together in the near future and then finally made our way home.

This was a much needed getaway and did both of us a world of good. The pain doesn’t go away just because our location changes but being out of normal routine in a place that doesn’t have memories tied to it is certainly a refreshing change.