My Colorado Vacation, Etc.

It’s been a while. Not sure why. Just haven’t felt like putting my thoughts down I guess. Not much has changed and I bore myself with writing the same things over and over. I have been wanting to write about my vacation but I also haven’t because nothing I write will be able to capture how I truly felt. I’ve been on vacations since Ariella died and all have been good, but not like this. This didn’t feel like a vacation. This felt like a respite and it felt like coming home. For the first time since May 2019 (actually probably since February 2017 when Ariella was diagnosed) I felt like I could just breath (well other than not being able to breathe due to the altitude). I finally felt calm and at peace even though we were active the entire time. It was the mountain scenery, the fresh air, and the sun. It was the laid-back pace and the nice people. It was having so much to do outdoors and just being able to soak up nature. For a moment I didn’t have the constant feeling of despair and lump in my throat. Since Ariella died I have been plagued by physical symptoms. I just never feel quite right in my body. And I always feel anxious, uncomfortable in my own skin (honestly that’s been the case all my life but has increased to the nth degree since Ariella died). That feeling was much diminished for the two weeks we were away. I’m not going to recap our entire trip because it’s not about what we did but, but rather about how I felt, what it did for my soul. I felt Ariella there. I missed her of course. I imagined doing the activities with her. She would have loved the zip lining and rafting and the hiking. And the donkeys! She would have adored the donkeys! She would have loved all of it. There were signs everywhere. While I was thinking of her the entire trip, her loss and presence was felt in a different way, a way that I cannot really explain. And I finally felt like I may one day be, while not truly happy and never whole, at peace. I hope that we can actually move to Colorado in the near future. It gave me something I didn’t know I needed.

Every September (childhood cancer awareness month) since 2017 I have filled my newsfeed with facts about childhood cancer and my feed is filled with gold and facts from other childhood cancer parents. I don’t have it in me to do this year. I changed my profile and cover pictures and that’s the extent of it. I’m preaching to the choir and I’m just tired of having to educate others. September is overwhelming and sad and frustrating and inspiring and triggering and hopeful but mostly I just want to ignore it. I’m bitter and resentful. No matter what I do, no matter what changes with funding and research and medications, it’s too late for my child. And of course I don’t want any more parents to hear those words “your child has cancer” and of course I don’t want kids to keep dying. But I’m jealous. And every time I see a post about ringing the bell, clear scans, 5 years NED, I am so happy for that child and family AND I am so sad that it wasn’t also my child. All that said, I minimize my consumption of social media in September (I’m posting on Instagram for my running and Instagram and Facebook for Ari’s Bears but don’t scroll much) and just trying to get through the days as per usual. It is a shame that childhood cancer awareness directly relies on those experiencing childhood cancer. Some businesses/organizations get involved but not enough. I do hope for a day that September is as gold as October is pink.

I had intended to incorporate my running in this blog since it’s my way of working through my grief but I’ve neglected to do that as well (I am sharing my running on Instagram but not much here). Running is once again frustrating for me at the moment. I have finally almost returned to my fitness level pre-injury and am again feeling something going on in my right thigh/hip/groin area (same leg that had the stress fracture). I only ran one day last week, an 18-miler to try to give my leg some rest. My leg was okay during the run, no pain, but could feel twinges and niggles and some achiness. I wasn’t sore after and could walk normally so after a couple of days of rest I did my track workout last night. Same thing, could run with a normal gait without actual pain but definitely feel something going on. Rule of thumb is it’s okay to run through up to a 3 or so/10 pain level as long as you’re not limping and your stride doesn’t change but my fear is that I am at the start of an injury so if I continue running on it even without pain now, it will get worse and by the time I feel pain when running it will be too late. If I wasn’t training for a marathon I wouldn’t be so concerned. I would either lay off for a while OR try a couple more runs since if I was sidelined I wouldn’t miss a race. But I feel like it’s no win for me right now. I can take time off now and be undertrained and derail the fitness I gained back, or try a few more runs and risk injury. It’s really not a choice, I definitely am going to take some time off because I really want to get to that starting line. But it’s frustrating not knowing what actually is going on. Is it muscular, a nerve? Bone? There’s just no way to know. With my world being so overwhelming I rely on running to help clear my head and relieve some of my anxiety and stress. Life just seems that much harder when I can’t run. I don’t think this is a serious injury and that I will be back to it, but I wish that just one thing can go smoothly for me. Despite my leg being not quite right, I had a great run this weekend. I was scheduled for 18 miles and had a 12 mile race that day so added 6 miles at the track prior to the race. I thought running 24 laps would be awful but I actually found it quite meditative. Didn’t have to think or plan and could just enjoy the quiet. When it came time for the race I had no intention of actually racing it, was planning on doing it like all the long runs, at an easy, conversational pace. But I was feeling great and my pace was a lot faster than I planned or expected, giving me some needed confidence prior to race day. But of course my leg is putting a damper on things. There are just over 4 weeks until race day. Here’s hoping!