My sister-in-law has been searching for a way to help. She doesn’t live local to us and she knows words are pretty meaningless. But that doesn’t stop her from texting to let me know she’s still here, and I appreciate that more than I think she realizes, especially since I don’t always respond. She recently sent me a book that I found to be pretty helpful. It’s called “It’s Ok that You’re not Ok” by Megan Devine and it’s different in that it is helpful for the person who is grieving, but is also helpful for those who are trying to support the grieving person. It’s not specific to child loss but this book doesn’t need to be. There are practical tips for trying to relieve some suffering, and she makes a significant distinction between the pain and suffering. The gist is that the pain is not going anywhere. It’s here to stay. But the griever can try to reduce some of his or her suffering.
The book follows the premise that society and our culture want to fix everything. Humans don’t want to see others in pain. “Healthy” people are happy, motivated, enjoy life. There is something wrong with you if you can’t get beyond the pain of the loss, if you’re unhappy, if you are withdrawing from people and life in general. This book negates that. This book is trying to change our view as a whole on grieving and loss. Rather than perpetuate the common thoughts and cliches the author of this book makes it clear that none of it is okay, that it never will be okay, that how you want to deal with it is okay, and it’s about the griever, not those trying to support them. She does not encourage staying in the dark period forever but she is also realistic that it’s unlikely for someone who experienced a significant loss to one day go back to having a “normal” happy life. She encourages trying to find that middle path, trying to go back to living with the grief rather than trying to overcome it.
This book really resonated with me. Her strategies for trying to reduce the suffering are doable and some that I am already incorporating (writing and exercising to name two. She actually offers an online course “Writing your Grief” which is intriguing to me but the price is a bit steep). None of what she wrote was surprising to me. I felt like she was reading my mind. But it’s encouraging to know my thoughts and behaviors are okay and to be expected. I like that she didn’t paint a rosy picture at the end of it all. Because I wouldn’t trust that. I like that she is realistic and normalizes the experience of grieving. And I like that she is brutally honest that profound loss forever changes you and despite what any of your supporters may say your goal should not be to go back to the person you were before the loss. That will never happen.
The reason I am mentioning this book here is because so many people say they wish they knew how to help. I think their idea of help is to help get rid of the pain, help the griever move on. That isn’t going to happen. But it does offer concrete ways to provide support. The first couple parts of the book explain what is going on in the mind and body of someone who is grieving and why they may react certain ways to those trying to help. The third part of the book has a chapter for the supporters. It will help the supporters provide comfort and help more effectively but also remind them that if they are rebuked it’s not personal. For those that want to try to understand a bit more I encourage you to pick up this book. The author also has a site and Facebook page, Refuge in Grief.
I have mentioned before that so far I am fortunate that my supporters have met me where I am. No one is trying to push me out of my safe places and they all are following my lead. Today for example. I had rallied some of Ariella’s friends to go to Build-a-Bear and use up some of the gift cards she had received to build up our inventory for Ari’s Bears. When David and I got there to meet her friends I could not set foot into the store. We had been there so many times with Ariella and her friends and I just couldn’t do it without her. We had so much fun in the store. Selecting the different animals and dressing them in the perfect outfits and accessories. Sometimes we were there for several hours. The staff and managers knew her. We had met strangers in the store who donated to us on the spot when they heard about what we are doing. Many weekends were spent making bears. That was what she wanted to do. I don’t know why I was able to go to the hospital to deliver bears but Build a Bear did me in. There is no rhyme or reason to it, no predicting what will be impossible and what will be okay until I’m in it. But the point is that my friend whose daughter was there sat with me outside the store, didn’t try to encourage me to go in, and was just there.
I really hate this life I’m living right now. I don’t like being crippled by the idea of going into a store. I also don’t like how exposed and vulnerable I feel when I am out. The pain is ever present but on the other hand it doesn’t feel right that the pain should ever soften. How can it? The person who completed me, completed our family has died. How does the pain of that ever go away, or even soften? I don’t want to live with this pain forever but I also don’t want it to go away. The pain is my strongest connection to Ariella. It’s real, it’s tangible. Relief of some of the pain seems like a betrayal. But living a lifetime like this is not feasible either. There is an extremely long, windy, and rocky road ahead of us and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through.