Some Memories

It’s that time of year again. End of summer. Back to school. A change in the air from the hot, muggy, summer days to the crisp, cool air of fall. Ariella’s birthday. Fall festivals, apple and pumpkin picking, lots of family activities. Was always my favorite time of year. I’ve recently written about the shift I’ve experienced in my outlook and grief, and that hasn’t changed, but that doesn’t mean the pain of losing Ariella is gone and this time of year is especially difficult for me. A time of year full of promise, new beginnings, a literal new year in the Jewish calendar is now marked by missed milestones, moments stolen from us, and always the wondering.

As each year passes I have more and more difficulty imaging what Ariella would be like at this age. She would no longer be a child and I see her friends and kids her age and it breaks my heart over and over. And it feels like I lose her again and again. I shared a post on Facebook about things one man learned when he lost his son and one of them was keeping a journal of things about the child. Funny things he said and did, and things of that nature. I had done that a little bit but I know there was so much I missed that I no longer remember. I thought we would have forever to make memories that I didn’t feel the need to record all the little moments. I didn’t think that one day that would be all I had. Who would think that? Anyway, some random things I would love to share about my girl.

• She carried a shit ton of things in her hoodie pocket, most being rocks. And sometimes she would sleep with them. There was frequently dirt in her bed from rocks. And these weren’t small, pretty, rocks. These were just big, jagged, rocks. I don’t know how she carried so much stuff. Oh and this started when she was little but she continued to do this even as an 11-year-old.
• Her favorite color was light blue but sometimes she would choose teal.
• She loved unicorns. And penguins.
• She was a prankster. She silly stringed her doctors and squirted them with water from syringes. She scared the crap out of a nurse by popping up from under the covers with a scary clown mask. One of her doctors gave her a fart machine and Ariella thought it was the greatest thing ever. After she died we found a list of pranks that she wanted to do on her friends.
• She had a list of tattoos that she wanted to get when she was old enough including a shark fin, peanut butter and jelly sandwich (this was supposed to be with a friend), a yin yang (also with a friend), an infinity sign, and I think a couple others (I do have the list, will have to check it again).
• She had a temper. She could go from zero to insane in a matter of seconds.
• She was sweet and generous and loving. She gave the best hugs.
• She was so freaking slow! When doing anything and everything!
• When she was little she called the remote a cremote, milk was gulk, a tunnel was a nunnel, and Barnes and Noble was Barnes and Narble. She said “what you said?” Instead of what did you say? And little billit instead of little bit.
• She loved photography and had a pretty good eye when composing a picture.
• She loved to make up dances and video herself.
• She was a dancer. Tap was her favorite.
• She was bossy (a leader?) but kids flocked to her. One day we were at a friends with a bunch of kids there and she had all the kids lined up behind her following her around the yard like the pied piper.
• She was the queen of eye rolling.
• She was friends with everyone and never held a grudge.
• One time she was so angry about being asked to wash her hands that kneeled on a step stool, put her head on the floor with her legs on the stool, and stayed there upside down a good while. She was definitely stubborn.
• She loved to read and still loved when we read to her. She was working her way through Harry Potter.
• She loved the beach. Ocean City was one of her favorite places. And she loved the Haunted House on the boardwalk.
• She was the furthest thing from a picky eater and she especially loved steak and sushi. She didn’t have much of a sweet tooth though she loved sour candy.
• She loved to talk. A lot.
• She was loud. Very, very, loud.
• She loved going to New York and seeing musicals. Wicked and Aladdin were her favorites. She got to see School of Rock through Do it For The Love Foundation and got to meet the cast and get a backstage tour,
• She loved volunteering at the Human Society. She got to pet and play with the cats.
• Ari’s Bears was her idea and she used her own money to get it started. She came up with the logo design as well.
• She was fearless. Her 11th birthday party was at an indoor skydiving place. Most of the kids did it but all were nervous at first. Not Ariella. At amusement parks the bigger, crazier the ride, the better. She loved going on boats but only if they went fast. She went flying down hills on her scooter and skateboard.
• She was a great hula hooper (she got that from me),
• She loved to ice skate.
• She was a great cuddler.
• She always wanted to comfort others who were sad.
• She was messy.
• She was strong and resilient and brave and optimistic.
• She was independent but also still loved spending time with us.
• Every once in a while she would say she wanted a sibling but mostly she said our family of three was perfect.
• She was sassy and could back talk like a teenager.
• She was thoughtful.
• She was kind, caring, and compassionate.
• She hated dressing up. Sweats were her outfit of choice.
• She donated her hair twice for wigs, way before cancer was on our radar.
• She was a great friend.
• She was the best daughter.