Anger

Ever since Ariella died, no, ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, I have been very angry. Angry that my sweet, innocent girl would have to suffer. Angry that our lives would be shattered. Angry that Ariella felt lousy most of the time, and couldn’t go to school and just be a normal kid. Angry that the treatments she was receiving were decades old and there weren’t any new treatments because childhood cancer receives less than 4% of national research funds. Angry that most of the world didn’t seem to care about our kids. That childhood cancer is said to be rare so not worth the time or money. Angry that we had to live in fear and anxiety that we would lose our baby girl. Angry that being carefree was stolen from Ariella. That she could no longer just enjoy her childhood, imagine growing up, living her life, without fear that her dreams would be cut short.

I was, am, furious still. I am furious with the doctors that recommended bone marrow transplant and I am furious with myself for agreeing to it. I am furious that the treatment that was supposed to save her, killed her and I am furious that the doctors couldn’t save her. I am furious that my baby girl, the innocent in all of this, lost her life at only 11, unable to realize her dreams of going to college, being a nurse, having a family. I am furious that she spent the last 2 months of her life in a hospital bed connected to machines, scared, uncomfortable, downright miserable and I am furious that I didn’t even get to really say goodbye. I am furious that modern medicine couldn’t save my daughter and I am furious that I have no choice but to go on living. I am furious when I hear about anyone else dying, children or adults, because I want it to be me. I am furious that children who very much want to live, die when there are plenty of people in the world (me) who would happily take their place. I am furious at the unfairness of it all. It isn’t fucking fair. I know I sound like a petulant child. Life isn’t fair. That is something we are taught from a young age. But I never thought I would be viewing fairness in illness and life and death.

Until yesterday evening I had not found an outlet for my anger. Writing does not touch the surface of my anger. It helps me express and process my feelings of sadness and despair but doesn’t come close to harnessing and releasing the rage brewing inside me. With the suggestion of a few people I tried a kickboxing class last night. Punching and kicking the bag was especially therapeutic. Nothing else mattered, just my intense focus on beating the shit out of the bag. And it felt damn good. The anger is still there. It won’t ever go away. But I feel like I now have a way of releasing that anger so it doesn’t continuously build up.

There is not a minute that goes by that I don’t have thoughts of my girl and then there are triggers that make the pain even greater, because they sucker punch me when I’m not expecting them. Today I dropped a student off in the classroom where they were playing the game Headbands. That immediately brought me back to the hospital and clinic where we played round after round after round of the game. And those aren’t bad memories. Sure we were in the hospital but we were having fun (well as much fun as you can have on your millionth round of Headbands) and spending time together. When I saw the children playing the game I wanted so badly to be back in the hospital with Ariella playing that game. Boy my perspective has changed. I never thought I would look back to the year of first line treatment as a time I would miss and one day want to return to. But I would give anything, anything, to be back there.

I still think every day, multiple times a day, that I will not get through this. The speed of time is something mentioned often. “Summer flew by”, “I can’t believe it’s almost November”, “The holidays will be here before we know it.” But time does nothing for me but drag and drag. The days are excruciatingly long and I am usually counting down the minutes when I can reasonably go to bed. Each day without Ariella is a lifetime and the thought of 40 or 50 more years of this, of living without the most important part of me, is horrifying. I’ll be honest, when driving I often fantasize about just sharply turning the wheel and driving off the road or crashing into the guardrail at 70 mph, but I would never do it. Mostly because I don’t want to hurt anyone else and be the cause of someone else’s heartbreak. Also, while I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of pain. There is no out. There is no escaping this agony. And I don’t want to live like this.