A Letter to the one who made me a Mom

Dear Ariella,

Today is Mother’s Day. As much as I would like to ignore it, that doesn’t seem possible, or right. After all, you made a mom. You were the one who gave me homemade cards and picked out special gifts. You were the one, the only one, to call me Mama, Mommy, Mom, and when you were feeling snarky, Mother. Because of you I am a mom and because of you I always will be.

The thing is, I don’t feel much like a mom. I will always be your mom but it is very surreal to be a childless mother. I don’t get to do all the mom things anymore. I’m caught between worlds and have seemingly lost a huge part of my identity. I don’t know where I belong anymore. My grief is not just about missing you. It’s also about missing being a mom, to a living child. Missing the daily activities and routines of being a parent. Missing that unconditional love and having someone to nurture and take care of.

This is my second Mother’s Day without you. But last year was such a blur and didn’t really register. The grief was so new, and so raw and the day didn’t matter. This year I want to tell you how grateful I am that I got to be your mom, even with all the pain that came later. I am so lucky to have you as my daughter and I would do it all over again, even knowing the devastating outcome.

You were the one who gave me my most important job and most meaningful role. So you can imagine why I am having such a hard time finding my way. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have changed. Become unrecognizable, even to myself.

But for you I will try to find myself somehow. I know that’s what you would want for me. Nothing can replace you and nothing will. I will always be missing you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. For that I have been blessed.

I love you always and forever, to the moon and back, times infinity.

Love,

Mommy