Dear Fellow Bereaved Parents,

I started this blog as a way to just get out my feelings, but also to let others know how I really am. As you all will know, especially in the beginning, well-meaning friends and family frequently ask “how are you?” and most of us probably respond with something like “okay”, or “hanging in there”, “getting by”, “surviving”, or any other word that does not come close to describing how we are actually doing. But the last thing I want to do is go into how awful I feel, how much I want to die, how angry and sad and heartbroken and shattered and I am. It is not my job to make others comfortable in those situations and yet I do not want to be part of the awkward conversations the true answers will lead to. Later on in the grief, when it is still heavy in our minds but not in the minds of everyone else, when it is just polite conversation, the last thing the person asking “how are you?” is expecting to hear is the truth. I feel like such a fraud when anyone asks me how I am, whether it be stranger, acquaintance, good friend, or family member. Because I always say “okay.” And I never am actually okay. Sure a select few know when things are especially bad but in general social interaction, no one has any inkling as to what is really brewing beneath the surface.

The point of this is to say to you, my fellow bereaved parents, that I see you. I recognize that pain in your eyes even when you say you are holding on. I recognize the anguish underneath your calm exterior. I see you desperately trying to survive as you go about your daily lives. I see your anger and your guilt, your hurt and confusion. When the rest of the world thinks you are just fine now that you are back at work, or getting out of bed each day, or doing the things you used to, I see how hard and exhausting it is to maintain those routines. I see you scraping by, going through the motions, because you have no other choice. I know that when you say “I’m okay” you are screaming inside “I am not okay. How can I be okay? My child died.” The truth is, only another bereaved parent can understand this duality we live. The selves we put out there for everyone else, and our true selves. And only a bereaved parent can understand the fatigue and guilt this double life causes. I was asked the question the other day, the do I have kids question. I was at the gym with an instructor I didn’t know, right before a class started. I panicked. I did not want to say no and deny Ariella, but I did not want to say yes and then get into a discussion where I may have to tell the instructor that my daughter died. So because I wanted to keep my facade and seem to be fine, I answered “no”. And the pain and guilt I felt immediately after the word “no” came out of my mouth nearly suffocated me. This is what life is like for us bereaved parents now. No easy answers, planning ahead to formulate responses to common questions, and feeling shame. I see you wrestling with every day decisions, struggling to make normal conversation, and pushing through each day feeling so alone.

As I mentioned, I started this blog mostly for me, and so others could know what I am really feeling, how I am really doing. But I also wanted you, my fellow bereaved parents, to know that your feelings, whatever they are, are okay. That how you are grieving, is okay. Your grief, is yours alone. You grieve how you need to. And while everyone’s grief path is different, you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I hope that some of you may recognize yourself in these posts and realize that you do have a community that wants to hear your honest answer to “how are you?”.

Several people have suggested that I publish this blog. And maybe one day I will do that. But the other thing I am hoping to eventually do with this blog is to give newly bereaved parents some hope. Hope that one day down the road they will find joy, be happy at times, laugh without guilt, find peace. But I am not at a point where I can imagine feeling that way and I realize that there is not much hope in this blog at this time. I read other blogs and books to get my inspiration and maybe years from now this blog will be a place where newly bereaved parents can see the journey I took from begging daily to die to feeling some kind of peace. In the meantime I hope it at least lets you know you are not alone in your feelings. I hope it lets you feel seen.