I don’t claim to be an amazing writer but I have always found writing to be healing and maybe my publishing can help me and others at the same time. For those who don’t know me my husband and I just lost our 11 year old daughter, our only child in May from cancer. Well actually from the treatment. She had complications from a bone marrow transplant which ultimately led to respiratory distress and kidney failure.
Ariella died May 9, 2019 and here more than 6 weeks out I still can’t quite believe she is gone. I still can’t believe I’m never going to hear her voice, her laugh, feel her arms around me, argue with me. 6 weeks is not a very long time but it’s a lifetime when you have a huge part of you missing that can never be replaced. When Ariella died we not only lost our world, but our identities, our active daily roles. People keep reminding us that we will always be Ariella’s parents and she is always here with us and her legacy will live on. Frankly that’s little comfort. We are not parents in the way we want to be, need to be, the way we should be. We are not running a child around to her activities, making sure she does her homework, taking trips together. We don’t get to witness milestones like having her Bat Mitzvah, getting her driver’s license, graduating, becoming the nurse she always said she wanted to even after everything had gone through, getting married and having a family of her own. She always said she wanted 5 kids! So yes, we may always be her parents but we are no longer parenting and we’re missing out on most of it. I can’t speak for David but I feel as if all my purpose is gone. My reason for getting up, getting out of bed each day, all of it. None of it matters. I don’t find joy in the things I used to. People who are much farther along this grief journey (grieving a child they lost) have said they did eventually feel joy and happiness along with the sadness. However that seems so far away from me right now and it’s everything I can do just to make it through the day. I can’t imagine being happy in this world without Ariella present.
As for her always having her legacy, that’s true too. David and I can assure she won’t be forgotten by continuing Ari’s Bears. That gives us reason to continually talk about her. But it’s so bittersweet because she is not here to see what she truly started. Ari’s Bears was her passion and she never will get to see it reach its true potential. I absolutely love that her friends want to continue to spread her mission but it is also so painful that they are not doing it alongside Ariella.
People keep asking how I am and they are asking in a sincere way. They truly want to know. The truth is I’m awful. I have had few moments of smiles and even laughter but they are short-lived and while I had forced myself to get out a bit even that has been next to impossible lately. Each day gets harder and harder. Some days it really is just too much for me to even reply to text. I will forever be grateful for the support I have received and will say that support from “strangers” on the internet has forever surprised me. But I’m also disappointed by how quickly support from some has waned or even disappeared. What people need to understand is that parents who have lost a child are going through something no one can possibly understand unless they have been there. It physically hurts and sometimes as I said we can’t make ourselves get out, or text, or answer the phone but it still helps to know we are being thought about. So to those who continue to always let us know your presence, and you know who you are, thank you. Please don’t stop even if it is some time before I reply or agree to do something.
If people want to know truly how I am feeling, and how are are moving through this as a family, feel free to read. I’m writing mostly for my own benefit. I started 2 weeks after Ariella died by writing letters to her but there are some things that I don’t want to say to her. I’m not looking for advice or platitudes, just trying to figure out how to get my feelings out there so I don’t constantly feel like I am crawling out of my skin. And maybe this can help someone else too. Who knows?