Hope? What’s That?

One year ago today was Ariella’s last day of school. Ever. Of course we didn’t know this at the time. When she hugged her friends goodbye we never could have fathomed that it would be the last time some of them would see or talk each other. They made her cards and gave her gifts wishing her well with the bone marrow transplant. They said they would miss her and couldn’t wait for her to be back in school with them. We knew she wouldn’t be going back for that school year. But we never in a million years thought that she would never get the chance to go back. That she wouldn’t finish middle school, go to college, get married, have a family. A cancer diagnosis forces you to face your child’s mortality but that is then pushed aside by hope, and optimism. The thoughts that Ariella may not survive were there or course but I never fully believed that she wouldn’t make it through. You can’t think like that as a cancer parent. Our child is going to be the one to survive. With every bad scan or relapse the possible mortality slaps you in the face again. But then life gets in the way again. In between the treatments and bad times were plenty of good times, fun times. Thoughts that your child may die are not at the forefront, though they do hang out in the background rearing their ugly heads at random, or not so random times. But we were able to go on living and enjoying life, even after Ariella relapsed. We were worried and scared but always thought we would get through it. That she would get through it. We never got to the point where we lost hope, because we still had options for treatment. And then she was eligible for the transplant. The hope carried us through. Because how can you live that kind of life without it?

I am now living a life without hope. I have no hope that life will work out in my favor anymore. I have no hope that I will be okay. I have no hope of ever being happy again. Because what I want most, Ariella, to be a mother to Ariella, has been stolen from me. I can’t live another 40 or more years without my daughter and be okay. Or be happy. Living a life in pain, in constant sadness, in yearning, in missing the one you love the most, is no kind of life at all. It is dark and frightening, overwhelming and daunting. I don’t want this life, one as a childless mother.

Every day I walk through the halls of schools. I see students getting books from their lockers, sitting at their desks, socializing with their friends. I work directly with children, some close to her in age. And I picture Ariella in school. In her uniform, getting in trouble with the teacher for talking, gathering at the lockers with her friends. And it shatters me again and again. Not to where I want a different job, because I don’t. I like my job and I like my students and I enjoy working with them. But at the same time it is often incredibly difficult. I wish I didn’t have to work at all. Some bereaved parents find they need something to keep their days filled, but I just find it exhausting. So fatiguing to pretend to be okay when I’m not. I can’t find the words to describe, but it still doesn’t feel right to me to do anything seemingly normal when my life is upside down. I still can’t see the point in any of it. Nothing matters. I was never much of a talker but I talk even less now. I don’t like small talk, I don’t want to make conversation. Because most small talk is pointless and a lot of conversation is outright painful. It is all just so futile and I just want it to be over. I’ve read in some articles that suicide rates are high among bereaved parents. And I get it. This life just sucks.