I’m done, fried, exhausted. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive this. I don’t want to survive this. Everything hurts. Everything is a reminder of what I’ve lost or of what I’ll never get to experience in the future. I am aware 24/7 of what’s missing. I go to the gym for some distraction. Sometimes it helps. Most times I’m fighting back the tears even during my workouts. But that is the only thing that has remotely helped. So I keep going. I hate this. I hate everything about this. Each day is worse than the one before it. I don’t want this life.
Running through my brain on a constant loop are all the things I miss. I miss brushing and playing with Ariella’s hair. I miss watching her do her hair and make-up. I miss driving her to clinic appointments. We had some fun car rides and great conversation on those drives. I miss picking her up from school and hearing about her day. I miss helping her with her homework. I miss the sleepovers the two of us used to have in her bedroom. I miss movie and game nights. I miss watching her dance. I miss doing her make-up for dance competitions. I miss listening to her sing in the shower. I miss having her friends over. I miss taking her to Build-a-Bear. I miss delivering bears with her. It’s definitely not the same without her. I miss our vacations and day trips and seeing musicals together. I miss watching her swim in the pool and the ocean. I miss watching her on amusement park rides. The bigger and scarier the better. She was fearless. I miss watching her make up dances. I miss cooking for her. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss her voice. I miss hearing her say “Mommy” and “I love you to the moon and back infinity times.” I miss going to her school activities and buying school supplies. I miss going for pedicures together. I miss her pranks. I miss her energy, her noise. I miss hearing her shows on the TV. I miss reading to her and I miss us reading quietly together. I miss helping her with her crafts. I miss riding bikes together and watching her play outside. I miss her messy room. I miss the silly faces she used to make. I miss how she had to completely clean her fork before using it for a different food. I miss how she was always spinning. I miss how she wiggled her tush. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss her attitude and eye rolls. I miss hearing her yell in frustration when she was having trouble with her homework. I miss her arguing over nothing. I miss her company. I miss her presence. I miss how she took forever to do anything. I miss her comfort when I wasn’t feeling well. I miss her weirdness. I miss driving her to the dance studio. I miss our conversations. I miss her silliness and goofiness. I miss going places like the zoo and aquarium and science center and museums. I miss taking her ice skating. I miss taking her to baseball games and soccer games and concerts and mini golf. I miss binge watching shows with her. I miss going out to dinner with her. I miss stalking the camp website for pictures when she was at sleepaway camp. I miss taking care of her. I miss her needing me. I miss the days when she was giving us a very hard time. Her 8th year was a rough one. How naïve I was. We had no idea how bad it could really get.
I miss a lifetime of future moments we will never get. I miss watching Ariella get ready for her first date. I miss her Bat Mitzvah (was scheduled for 9/26/20). I miss teaching her to drive. I miss helping her get ready for prom. I miss watching her graduate high school. I miss sending her off to college. I miss watching her graduate from college. I miss watching her start her career (she wanted to be a nurse). I miss planning a wedding and having grandchildren. And I miss all the everyday moments in between.
Before I have said I’m surviving, but not living. But the truth is I don’t really think I’m surviving. I guess if by surviving one means waking up each day, then I am. But the pain and heartache constantly knocks me to the core. I’m not very good company, even for David. I barely talk, mostly just to answer questions. I don’t do much of anything. I may read, mostly grief books but sometimes other mindless type reads. Or I just lay around with HGTV on in the background. I can’t fake a smile for strangers and the thought of doing almost anything besides going to the gym and maybe seeing some friends terrifies me.
As I’ve mentioned before many bereaved parents have said they eventually did find joy, they did find a purpose, a reason to live. But the minimum amount of time I’ve seen before that happened was 4 years, often longer. Four years! Four years at least of feeling like this. That alone is terrifying. It hasn’t even been 3 months and I’m wondering if I will make it through. Every moment of my life right now is plagued with sadness and despair. This is no way to live and it’s already taking its toll. How? How am I going to survive this?
I’m so so sorry Erica – no words will ever be adequate to comfort you – I am a stranger – only followed your beautiful girl on social media but if I knew you in real life I would give you a hug and let you just cry 💕
Oh Erica!
How.I wish I had words to comfort you. I can only say, I am so very sorry. 😔
We love you so, i feel you’re pain and heartbreak. I do not know how deep , i can only imagine.
They say 1 day at a time and that is often an impossible thing to do, when you think of all the life Ariella had taken from her.
Ariella needs you to keep fighting and we need you because you are the closest we have of Ariella.
A few girls slept over recently and I could here them talking and looking at pics and videos of Ariella.
All I could here was laughter and joy,
From the girls.
Ariella is so missed, it’s just not the same with the girls without her, but this I know she is still a constant presents with Ariellas crew.
Love and miss
I know it’s so cliche but you’ll survive this second by second, then hour by hour, day by day, and finally year by year with the help from us who love you. I don’t understand what you have and are going through but I do understand and empathize the pain of making it through. I’ve wondered many times in the past how I’m going to make it through another day and my heart hurts for you.
I wish I could say something that would help, but I know I can’t. Just remember, I am here if you need me. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I am so very sorry ☹️
I hate, hate, hate that you and David are going through this and I hate that Ariella’s precious life was cut so short. I hate this helpless feeling that there’s nothing I can do to help alleviate any of your grief because I would do anything I could. Please reach out to me for company or anything else when you want or need to. I love you guys so much
You don’t know me, and I never had the blessing of meeting your daughter, Ariella. I do, however, recognize your grief and your pain. Grief is deeply personal, absolutely individual, and no one can know how yours will unfold and change over time. Even your spouse can not know. There were days for me it hurt just to breathe, days that rolling over in the bed was too much effort. I didn’t move more than necessary. My soul was flooded with the “what ifs” and going outside was impossible. But that was me. I didn’t think it would ever change, that I could ever change. Change did happen, but for me, it was gradual, almost imperceptible, and I usually did not see the next phase right in front of me. I was (and am) still surprised when I notice a difference for myself. Just survive one moment at a time. Just one, and let your grief go from there. ///
It’s times like these that make yey angry, and feel like life itself does not seem fair!
When I read about your memories, the love, the special times with your daughter, see pictures you have posted , family outtings, family fun, dance recitals, ball games, etc etc.
Arriella was a lucky little girl and you and David were very fortunate parents.
Some parents and some kids will never have all that the three of you shared.
Does my heart brake, for you, hell yes! But my heart also brakes for the healthy kids and the parents that will never have the love, the memories etc that the three of you had together!
Maybe somehow things you do and things you write, will make a difference for a child that wishes they had you as parents and the life Ariella had!
Prayer and think of yiu so often!
❤️🙏🌈
It’s times like these that make yey angry, and feel like life itself does not seem fair!
When I read about your memories, the love, the special times with your daughter, see pictures you have posted , family outtings, family fun, dance recitals, ball games, etc etc.
Arriella was a lucky little girl and you and David were very fortunate parents.
Some parents and some kids will never have all that the three of you shared.
Does my heart brake, for you, hell yes! But my heart also brakes for the healthy kids and the parents that will never have the love, the memories etc that the three of you had together!
Maybe somehow things you do and things you write, will make a difference for a child that wishes they had you as parents and the life Ariella had!
Prayer and think of yiu so often!
❤️🙏🌈