This may be a Part I because I will be reflecting on this experience for quite a while, but just felt like writing. Reality has hit a bit hard. I’ve been buffered from life basically and woke this morning with many things on my list that I was not able to address on the trek. After paring down my emails while doing laundry I had some other challenges to face. During the trek emotions ran high at times and some realities came to light. That is not just my story to tell so I won’t be sharing it. I’ll just say I am doing some soul searching.
I feel pretty wrecked at the moment. And yet I also feel at peace. Because I realized during the trek that I actually can be joyful and carefree, without guilt. I can live with reckless abandon. Just let go, not care what anyone thinks, and actually enjoy life. I can be silly and unrestrained and it’s okay. I feel different. Definitely changed. Even more willing to step out of my comfort zone. My anxiety, which is typically the main character in the story of my life, took a secondary role. Instead my playfulness and lightheartedness broke through. I hardly recognized myself. I’m sure it will come and go but I know it’s in there.
I’m not sure what will happen in the days and weeks to come. I do know that I want to live with no regrets (or at least as few regrets as possible). I’ve been stuck and this is not to say that I’m moving on from Ariella’s death. There is no moving on from that. But there is moving through, carrying the grief with me, while I experience the highs and lows of a life well-lived. Knowing that there is room for all of it. The happiness, the tears, the fear, the hope, the sorrow. What better way to honor Ariella than to bring her with me as I experience all that life has to offer.
We love you and areblessed to have all of you in our lives xoxoxo
I love you Erica <3
You are amazing. I’m so happy you’ve reached this place in your journey where you can let your happiness shine through without constant guilt. I’m so proud if you and D and so honored to call you my friends!
Appreciate this post so much!!
❤️
Reading This makes me feel so proud of you. Everyone knows losing a child is the worse thing that could happen to any parent. I met my friend yesterday for breakfast, we have been friends since we were teenagers. When her husband and her broke up I watched her two children for free to help her about after school. They went to school with my kids, I was a stay home Mom. Her daughter Dawn had a serious stroke when she was in her late 20s and spent most of her life in a assisted living. Her Mom got a degree o er the years and ended up president of her own company, my friend will be 81 Wed. so she made sure Dawn was in the best Asst . Living, she visited every day, took her on vacations, shopping, outings etc Dawn passed away I think 3 years ago, she was in her mid 50s . My friend just lost her son who passed away in Feb from cancer he was 57. She has lost both of her children. But what’s sad her memories of Dawn were mostly from asst living, wheel chair bound etc. but she has good memories as well. Paul was divorced, had one son but not a good relationship with his Son. Paul had a lot of issues in his life, so most of her memories from her son was worrying, trying to help him straighten his life out, but she lived her kids more then life itself. When we were at lunch she showed me pictures of Paul and Dawn hugging when they were very little. I said to her Jayne i believe Dawn is out of the wheel chair walking, talking etc. Paul is Cancer free and they are hugging each other today. I said for all the years you took care of Dawn and worried about Paul, you have to be at peace of mind that you know they are together and all your worrying, even though you live with a broken heart that all the tension, worrying etc you had for years is behind you. She said your right.
You are so blessed to have so many great memories, and just to know how many people love your daughter and how she lives on in so many hearts. Praying that this is a day when you start living, having fun and enjoying life, Ariella will always be with you in your heart.
Reading This makes me feel so proud of you. Everyone knows losing a child is the worse thing that could happen to any parent. I met my friend yesterday for breakfast, we have been friends since we were teenagers. When her husband and her broke up I watched her two children for free to help her about after school. They went to school with my kids, I was a stay home Mom. Her daughter Dawn had a serious stroke when she was in her late 20s and spent most of her life in a assisted living. Her Mom got a degree o er the years and ended up president of her own company, my friend will be 81 Wed. so she made sure Dawn was in the best Asst . Living, she visited every day, took her on vacations, shopping, outings etc Dawn passed away I think 3 years ago, she was in her mid 50s . My friend just lost her son who passed away in Feb from cancer he was 57. She has lost both of her children. But what’s sad her memories of Dawn were mostly from asst living, wheel chair bound etc. but she has good memories as well. Paul was divorced, had one son but not a good relationship with his Son. Paul had a lot of issues in his life, so most of her memories from her son was worrying, trying to help him straighten his life out, but she lived her kids more then life itself. When we were at lunch she showed me pictures of Paul and Dawn hugging when they were very little. I said to her Jayne i believe Dawn is out of the wheel chair walking, talking etc. Paul is Cancer free and they are hugging each other today. I said for all the years you took care of Dawn and worried about Paul, you have to be at peace of mind that you know they are together and all your worrying, even though you live with a broken heart that all the tension, worrying etc you had for years is behind you. She said your right.
You are so blessed to have so many great memories, and just to know how many people love your daughter and how she lives on in so many hearts. Praying that this is a day when you start living, having fun and enjoying life, Ariella will always be with you in your heart.
I am glad that you found some peace along the way. I love you and hope this is the start of it becoming a little easier for you to deal with this roller-coaster called grieving.
Being connected to JIPK for the past 7 years and knowing Ariella’s story I have followed your posts – I am always in awe of your ability to put your feelings into words. The year I did the full trek – I knew the cycling would be difficult – I did do more than I thought I was going to do but In my journal I remember making myself feel bad for the miles I did not do until mid week when I had the insight to tell myself to be positive and happy about the milescompleted – You should be soooo proud of putting yourself out there all week I am proud of you
Thank you